Even when my grandmother got sick and passed away, I quickly came to a place where I was ok with letting go of her presence on this earth because I loved her so much, I did not want her to hurt, and if you know anything about me, you know my grandmother is someone I loved with all of my heart.
So at this moment, it's almost ironic, that I am sitting here trying to process the fact that my godmother - the wonderful woman who helped me understand this process so long ago - is dying. I have no idea how long she has left on this earth, but I know it is not long now. And all I feel is angry. And hurt. I know intellectually that this is not a healthy response and that I need to just breathe though this time because there's nothing I can do to stop it, but my heart is not listening.
I cannot explain why my heart is being so stubborn in this situation, but I had a moment as I drove home this evening where I actually said out loud "Jesus, I don't want her to suffer, but I'm so angry right now." I don't even know who I'm angry at - or if it's really anger at all. All I know is that late this afternoon I had to let go of any hope that my godmother will get better.
Letting go of hope - in any situation - is undoubtedly one of the most difficult things the heart has to do. But maybe, once that happens, healing starts?
Just a thought.