Just a Thought

What's Next?

2012-01-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

What's on the other side of disillusionment?

I believe I'm finding myself in whatever that may be and discovering a strange mix of inspiration, freedom and frustration. It's an interesting place to be and while I believe some of the frustration is solvable - while hanging on to the inspiration and freedom, there is no quick fix (maybe that's true of everything in life) and sometimes that can be very trying.

Things that make you think about integrity; what's right and wrong in a very black & white manner; and making the right decisions so that you can live with yourself.

Balancing what's in your head with what's in your heart is often tricky. Trying to figure out how to navigate the path you're on and where it's taking you (patiently!) is about five steps beyond tricky.

For me, my faith plays a huge role in dealing with all of these issues. I believe God has a plan and that as we make our own decisions and navigate the road we're on, He's always got something for us to learn. Some lessons are repeated. A lot. But once you get it, you go forward. Perhaps that's why you can spot patterns in your life and behavior. As my Mom says, if you're not changing, you're not growing. So here are my questions of the moment:

How do you figure out where you're going when you've become certain that you're in a place of transition? And what steps do you take to keep yourself focused on the future while living in the present - even if you know the present is only temporary? How do you gain the most out of each leg of the journey called life?

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Just a Feeling

2011-11-08T19:17:00.000-08:00

I was driving home tonight switching between the iPod and the radio and I heard this song...

I've heard it a couple of times and it always gets me - to the extent that I frequently switch the station when it's on, but I like the song...

Over the past few years, off and on, I've had this feeling that was hard to define and incredibly hard to shake at the same time. As a Christian I felt confused by it because if I was truly a believer, could I be feeling like this? So to have had the radio on a Christian station and run across this song - for me anyway - answered that yes, absolutely you can feel like this. Everyone feels like this sometimes.

Whether it's just life, a specific set of circumstances, or a series of events that all came too quickly together I'm fairly certain we've all felt this way. Tired. Invisible. Lost. Alone.

I can say with almost absolute certainty that most of the people I know - regardless of what they think or believe - have felt this way. And knowing that it's okay (even as a Christian in my case) to admit that I've felt like this somehow provides a release. It's like being heard.

If you're feeling this way now. Or if you've felt this way before. I hope these words bless your life exactly where you are.

The song is "Someone Worth Dying For" by MIKESCHAIR.

-Lisa

SOMEONE WORTH DYING FOR
Artist: MIKESCHAIR.
Album: A Beautiful Life

You might be the wife waiting up at night
You might be the man struggling to provide
Feeling like it’s hopeless

Maybe you’re the son who chose a broken road
Maybe you’re the girl thinking you’ll end up alone
Praying “God, can you hear me?
Oh God, are you listening?”

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I’m not just some wandering soul
That you don’t see and you don’t know
Yeah, I wanna believe,
Jesus, help me believe that
I am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you’re the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep askin’, oh, what everybody’s askin’

Chorus

You’re worth it, you can’t earn it
Yeah, the cross has proven
That you’re sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can’t you see you’re something beautiful
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see that
You’re not just some wandering soul
That can’t be seen and can’t be known
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that
You are someone worth dying for
You’re someone worth dying for
You’re someone worth dying for

The Waiting Place

2011-10-18T18:15:00.001-07:00

Ever find yourself at a complete loss for how to handle a situation? Or maybe have a period of time in your life where - while you may believe there's a purpose or a reason for all things - you simply can't figure out what that might be?

Personally I'm experiencing a time where I'm in what I'd describe as a "waiting place." If you've ever read Dr. Seuss's "Oh The Places You'll Go" you know exactly what I mean.

Without going into detail I've recently hit a place where I feel like I take a step forward and get shoved back almost immediately. So I find myself scratching my head, looking around and wondering what on earth the right next step might be. Or am I just supposed to wait here? And trust?

I do not particularly excel at either trusting or waiting, so I suspect that may be why I find myself in this situation. But then I also wonder how much is just life and how much is more? And what happens when you choose to view the world from the perspective of purpose? Of learning or having lessons in each situation?

Lately I find myself putting many of the more intangible things I've learned up to this point into practice. You really do tell people how they can treat you with what you allow (this is not a new lesson - just one I've finally learned to actively practice). No matter how much you might hope for peaceful, still waters they are few and far between in this life and how you handle that defines many things about you (like your health, your relationships, etc). And my fave Oprah lesson - "when you know better, you do better."

That last one has actually changed the way I approach the first two. It means I have to be willing to stand up for myself and to know how to do that in a respectful way and in a variety of situations. Even when those situations are about as comfortable as a root canal. (Actually I happen to have a great dentist, so I've definitely had dental work that was more pleasant than this place).

Simply learning lessons in life is not enough. You have to put them into practice. So it's not enough for me to say I trust God and I'm happy to follow His leading. I have to actually practice trusting Him and following Him. Even if He's saying "wait."

Just a thought.

-Lisa

10 Years

2011-09-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

This evening I was watching TV and I was watching a show that was a look back at the Cosby Show - totally flashing back to my childhood. After it a show called When Pop Culture Saved America - about the work of the entertainment industry in the aftermath of 9/11. And I was struck with a mini-realization that perhaps (sometimes) the future I long for in my head...my "someday" if you will...is really the world "before" as opposed to the "after" world in which we live.

Ten years ago I was in undergrad at UNT and I was sitting in my apartment with my cousin Susan trying to wrap my brain around what had happened. The strangest thing to me that week was how it seemed life was supposed to go on. But it did.

At the time I thought the world was ending and I couldn't imagine a year from that day - much less 10 years from that day.

On this, the 10 year mark, I find that my thoughts are heavy with the weight of how the families who lost loved ones are doing this day. How life has inevitably gone on for them, but how also they must still ache for those they lost. And my prayers are with them.

Love & Peace

-Lisa

Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of Lent. Possibly strangely, Lent has always been a season in the church year that I love.

Yes, yes I know it doesn't come with the impending festivities of Advent & Christmas. And many people give up something they love (or really, really like) for Lent as a symbol of sacrifice. So I'm sure you're thinking - what's to love about it?

I think there's something to be said for reflection.

As a Christian I try my best to use this time to reflect on not so much what I do that's wrong as some might suspect, but where my relationship with God is at this stage of my life. Because I think more than being a "church-every-Sunday" Christian or being in a state of constant worry / self-loathing over anything I do that might be or might appear wrong (what exactly does that actually accomplish?), I believe having a relationship - an ongoing dialogue with God is the most important key to my faith.

In church tonight, my pastor talked about how there are times in life when we have to walk forward on the path we're on alone. We might have people praying for us or encouraging us or loving us, but we still have to face whatever is ahead on our own. He talked about the passage in Mark 10:32-34 where Jesus is basically talking about his own death. And how he faced that alone.

His sermon made me think about the last 8 months. I've been somewhat annoyingly more reflective about death since my grandmother died. Far from being the first person I'd lost in my life, but she was the first person I ever watched die. Slowly. I am not the first person to experience this and I will certainly not be the last. But watching her change, struggle, hurt and finally let go made me think of Psalm 23 - specifically the verse that says "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." As a child I thought nothing about this verse really - well truth be told I felt it was metaphorical. Ya know, like when you're going through anything bad in life. Anything alone.

And it might be - probably is. But after watching her I feel like I now know what the valley of the shadow of death looks like and that it is perhaps something more than a metaphor.

For anyone unfamiliar with the typical proceedings of an Ash Wednesday service, at some point (frequently the end) there is a time when you're invited to come up to the front and have ashes placed on your forehead in the shape of a cross.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. A reminder of how frail and fleeting this life can be. Also a reference to the sackcloth & ashes idea, which is what everyone seems to focus on, but for me - particularly this year it - it is about how quickly life can pass.

Reflection, does not have to be a bad thing. It's not all darkness and self-loathing (or it shouldn't be!) Reflection can simply be taking a moment to stop; to take in what is around you; to breathe; to be quiet; to be still.

And who doesn't need to take the time to do that these days?

Just a thought.

-Lisa

When Tweets Make You Think

2011-01-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

I follow a lot of people on Twitter. Some I know & some I don't - and a lot of them to keep up with what's happening in the industry. Still there are some people who I've just grown to love what they have to say.

Pauley Perrette, who plays Abby on the CBS show NCIS (very good show!), is someone I just started following on Twitter and she shared something really interesting yesterday. One of her tweets said "At church we wrote what we want to be forgiven for or who we need to forgive We all pray over cards. Forgiveness: God's best Gift." I immediately thought that was such a cool concept and it made me think a lot about forgiveness.

I know from my own experiences that forgiveness is not a quick process. Sometimes it takes years to really complete the process. I think so often we think forgiveness is a one step action. But I think it's a process that begins with you first being willing to start to let go of something that happened in spite of the fact that it hurt you. That's tough. It just is. And I think it's okay that it's tough.

But I also think it's vital to not only having a more peaceful world, but to having peace within yourself. I know growing up in church I was taught that we were to forgive the way God forgives us. Well....God is perfect so He (I believe) can complete the forgiveness process instantly. Humans are not so good at that - of course I wasn't taught that part - just that you're supposed to forgive. I thought it was a quick thing.

The other thing church didn't teach me (but thankfully my Mom did) was that forgiveness isn't really for the other person - it's for you. Allowing anger, resentment or bitterness to live within your spirit / heart / body can make you really sick - mentally, spiritually and physically. And it can suppress the light within you keeping you from radiating joy or love.

Forgiveness really frees you to open yourself up to love & peace & joy. It allows you to say you yes someone hurt you, but you are strong enough to move beyond that hurt and love them anyway. I loved the idea that Pauley tweeted about praying over the cards because I think it's really hard to stay bitter or angry toward someone when you pray for them.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

*Check out http://twitter.com/PauleyP to see Pauley Perrette's Twitter.

Brand New Morning

2011-01-02T20:24:00.000-08:00

It's a new year. For the first time that I can remember, I'm really excited to be beginning a new year. The end of 2010 was all kinds of bad - dealing with the loss of my grandmother, my Mom being diagnosed with breast cancer & being unemployed.

Thank God as we begin 2011 Mom is cancer free and I've had a nice visit with her. I've finally been able to get in touch with actual people within the industry I want to work in to talk to them and learn more about getting a start in the business. And for better or worse, I have a real sense of possibility about the future.

It's funny how when you feel what I would describe as the loss of hope, your spiritual gas tank (so to speak) can be drained so fast. As Christmas rolled around this year I was just exhausted and really wanted to be lazy. So the week between Christmas and New Years, I was a little lazy. I played the Wii & board games with Mom. We watched movies and slept late. And somehow as we counted down to the final seconds of 2010 I felt an almost overwhelming excitement building up inside of me that stayed through to the next morning.

Somehow on New Years day the world just looked a little brighter. I realized my spiritual tank had been refilled and I felt a renewal of hope. It's a good way to start a new year.

Just a thought.

"Brave"

2010-11-07T23:17:00.000-08:00

This afternoon / evening, I went to a concert at the Orange County Performing Arts Center. I wrote a review of it here, but I wanted to add a personal note about it.

Assuming you haven't looked at the review, I went to see Idina Menzel in concert. Let me first say was awesome!!!! Of course I love her work in Rent, Wicked and her recent appearance on GLEE like everyone else. But I also have 3 solo albums of her. On the newest of those albums, I Stand, is a song called "Brave." The whole album, but this song in particular literally got me through the red eye I took home when my grandmother got sick. It became a particularly appropriate song when I received the letter she left for me after she died (she left letters for many of us specifically to be read when she was gone). In it - several times - she told me to be a brave girl.

So tonight I went fully prepared to have to deal with hearing this live and keeping myself composed. And I do listen to this song regularly - I just frequently cry when I hear it. However, as the concert was drawing near to the end I was beginning to guess that she wasn't going to perform "Brave" and I was kind of glad given that I figured fighting off tears would give me a headache & I've had quite a few of those lately.

What I was not prepared for was what she did with part of a song from Wicked. Now, Wicked is absolutely one of my most favorite musicals ever (although I have tragically never been able to see it live). I listen to the soundtrack almost weekly. If you are not familiar with the musical, there's a song near the end called "For Good" and it's a duet sung by Elphaba (aka the Wicked Witch) and Glinda (the Good Witch) at the end of the show...well you can probably guess what's going on at the end of the show... Anyway the chorus of the song says "I don't know if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good."

So, I love this and have for some time, but during my grandmother's illness it became particularly important to me. I listened to it all the time - often when I needed a good cry due to the emotional stress of the situation. It seemed so appropriate to me in part because I knew the experience I was in the midst of was changing me as a person. That when it was all over I would fly back to Los Angeles and be a different person in some way from the one who'd left what turned out to be two months earlier. But I didn't know what sort of change that would be or how to express it and listening to "For Good" seemed to somehow express exactly what my heart was feeling at the time.

It's been a little over 3 months since my grandmother left this world and of course I am still listening to Wicked, but for a while I skipped that song because I knew I just wasn't ready. In fact I only listened to it for the first time since then this past week & honestly that was by accident (or maybe divine intervention) because it was on before I realized it.

So tonight when she was performing, Idina did a really amazing thing actually - she sang one thing with no microphone and a silent (like hear-a-pin-drop silent) orchestra in this big theater and sounded incredible!!! And what she sang was part of "For Good." And it was so beautiful to hear her voice singing that song against the vast silence. And I was in no way prepared for that. Thankfully I didn't "lose it" but I did cry. Just a little. Because truthfully - for my heart - nothing could have been more perfect than to have those words against the kind of silence you can actually hear.

Just wanted to share. Oh! And as I said in my "review" of the concert, if you have a chance to go see her live - GO!!!!!

Loss

2010-09-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

It's been just over a month since my grandmother passed away. She's been on my mind a lot lately - as has the entire concept of losing someone you love. She was very much like my second parent since it was always just the three of us (me, my mom & my grandmother).

Loss of this kind is different from anything I've experienced. It is deeper disrupting my sleep by keeping my spirit in a state of undefinable unrest. Yet it also sneaks up on me when I least expect it. When I'm enjoying a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning or trying on pretty dresses for an event later this week.

In a funny way she is always with me, but also so painfully far away. Sometimes it bothers me that I cannot simply drive to the cemetery and visit her (so to speak).

Everyone tells me it will simply take time and that I have to be patient with myself giving my spirit the time it needs to heal, allowing it to hurt when it does and to feel joy in other moments too. All without any extra thought.

Why am I sharing this on my blog? Well, loss is something everyone experiences sometime in their lives and it can be a strange and often lonely road to walk down. Sometimes it's just good to know you're not alone.

-Lisa

Back at Home

2010-08-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

I've been back in LA for just over a week now. It's good to be home. I'm back to the job hunt - like many other people in America (not to mention specifically here) - and I find it can be a bit...well...depressing to say the least.

So for anyone who reads this and who is also on the hunt for a job, I thought I'd share a few things I've found helpful:

1) Make an actual planned out schedule just like you'd have if you were working. This is something I just started and I must say it makes a world of difference. For me it helped to actually lay out set times for job hunting, answering emails and looking at freelance stuff online.

2) Remember to hang out with your friends. You know how during a long day at work you begin to mentally plan an outing with your friends? Do that. Make sure you still see / hang out with your friends at different times throughout the week when you can. It'll lift your spirits.

3) Remember the small stuff can make you happy. Go for a hike or to the beach (if you're near one). Take time for a relaxing cup of coffee / tea or to read a good book or watching a movie are all fun, free (mostly) activities that can take you away from the stress of your search.

4) Consider that we're all in a tight spot right now & lots of people are applying for jobs. While that may sound more stressful, it might also explain why it's taking longer for that person to respond to your emailed resume.

5) Designate one week day for something you love. The "week" day part is important because we all know fun is much better when it's on an unexpected day and not a weekend. Personally I designated Friday to be "Creative Day." How do I justify this? Well, I have a BlackBerry that will *ding* and let me know if someone did email me back and if I've just spent a minimum 12 hours job hunting during the preceding days, it's probably safe to take a small breather.

That's my list. Five relatively small things to help keep you sane during your search.

Good Luck!

-Lisa

For Nanny

2010-07-28T08:41:00.001-07:00

My grandmother passed away on Sunday, July 25, 2010. We are remembering her life this week & I wanted to post her obit to honor her here. I may post a real bio later on.

-Lisa

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/houstonchronicle/obituary.aspx?n=dardanella-lucille-daugherty-dee&pid=144325809

Strength & Weakness

2010-06-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

The past few days I've been filled with a kind of anxiety that I can't really explain to anyone, but it's waking me up in the middle of the night with a jolt.

It's not about the job thing - rather the lack of a job thing - for better or worse, I feel really peaceful about that actually. I think I know this source. You see roughly 1,500 miles from me, my grandmother is having some pretty serious health stuff going on, scary stuff. And we are not sure what's going to happen.

My grandmother and I are very close. Growing up it was just her, me, & my Mom She taught me to ride a bike and later how to drive a car - her car, which to be fair was really more like a small boat than an actual car. She taught me the song "I love you, a bushell and a peck, a bushell and a peck and a hug around the neck..." Sometimes we'd butt heads, but I knew she'd always be there for me when I needed her - even if I just needed a hug.

So, being this far away & knowing how much she's hurting I've been facing a lot of feelings over the past few days that I would rather leaved shoved in the back of a dark corner somewhere. Anxiety. Or so I thought until this morning.

This morning as I was getting my first cup of coffee and checking messages / Facebook / Twitter on my BlackBerry, I saw a tweet one of my friends posted (@azureantoinette - follow her, she's great) she tweeted a Bible verse this morning. 2nd Corithians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (according to the NIV translation I have). The rest of the passage goes on to say "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I really needed to read that this morning. And I had no idea. I think it is weakness and not anxiety that I've been feeling after all. Being in LA with my mom and grandmother in Texas, while she is so sick and being told not to fly home, it's okay; wait to see what the doctor says; wait to see if they admit her to the hospital; wait; wait; wait - I found myself literally walking the floor of my apartment last night waiting for an update, a phone call, a text message - something.

I don't do well with waiting. I'm a planner and something of a fixer - if there's an issue I (generally) believe in analyzing it and taking some course of action. But that isn't always possible. And that can leave a person feeling helpless.

A friend and I went to the movies today; and I ran a couple of errands after that - errands relating to the possibility of flying home at a moments notice. And I realized, as I told my friend, on some "Murphy's Law" level I was doing all of this - all my planning because if I'm prepared, then nothing will happen.

And nothing can happen yet because ... I don't know how to make her banana pudding or chicken and dumplings the way she makes them, which is the only way I like them. And I don't remember all of the stuff she's told me my whole life that I have to remember if anything happens to her. And I know there is at least one story left that I don't know - that only she can tell me. So you see, she just has to be okay.

So at this moment, I am weak. And that I need strength that could only come from God. Because I know I can't fix it. I can't make everything all better. I can't make whatever time I am blessed to have with her last a lifetime. And I know a lifetime would not be long enough.

Have you ever read the poem "Footprints?" It may be "Footprints in the Sand", I'm not sure to tell you the truth. The gist of the story is that a man looked back on his life and saw 2 sets of footprints throughout it - one belonged to him and on to God. And yet several times - time he identified as being of great hardship in his life - there was only one set. He got very upset with God and asked why God would leave him in those moments. God explains, of course, that He did not leave, but was simply carrying the man.

As a child I always wondered what those times were. I imagined them to be of great disaster. But, at the moment I wonder if they weren't times that were like what I'm feeling now. Because I assure you I am having more moments per day where I feel less of the 29 year old that I am and more like the 5 year old little girl that I was the first time I remember my grandmother being sick and us having to take her to the hospital. I remember setting in the hallway outside her room with my cousin who's older than me while our moms were inside the room with her. And being aware enough to know my mom and my aunt were scared. And feeling something then in that moment I didn't know how to identify. Maybe it was weak.

-Lisa

Around the Bend

2010-04-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

Today is officially 19 days from Graduation Day.

I have my last final on May 7 and I find myself feeling a mix of wishing the days would pass quickly because I'm a little burned out and ready for the next phase of my life; but also trying to enjoy the remaining days of grad school because (having done this once already) I know this is time I will never get back.

Still I have the type of personality that easily lends itself to rushing ahead of ... well, life. Always trying to plan and anticipate what is coming.

Right now I feel like I'm coming around a blind corner and that although the future is just ahead of me I cannot see it, nor anticipate what it will hold. It's a strange feeling. One I haven't had since just before grad school began. It is exciting and scary, but it is good.

Time to step out of the boat once more.

-Lisa

Blessed Assurance

2010-01-24T17:33:00.000-08:00

Ever notice that doubts kind of creep up on you when you're really busy or pretty stressed about other things and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a meltdown and you aren't quite sure how you got there?

I've been grappling with a little of that lately. Just about different things. What ifs and why nots I call them. I really figured this was brought on largely by the start of my last semester in grad school and the impending job search.

And actually, I thought I'd just about sorted everything out. I was feeling much better about things or at least I wasn't feeling noticeably "blue". Still...there was that little kind of "eh" feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on that just didn't feel right.

I appear to be coming down with a slight cold so I stayed home today (all day) and dosed myself with Vitamin C & Zinc and otc meds. Since I'd decided to stay home I live-streamed this morning's message at the church I usually go to (http://www.oasisla.org/) and watched.

The series they've been doing is called I Heart LA. Today's message was I Heart LA City of Creativity.

Somewhere in the midst of this message the "eh" feeling broke. I realized that as thankful as I am for being in LA and as much as I try to focus on the positive...somewhere deep in the back of my mind there's a little part of me that's waiting for it to disappear.

I'm not sure why that is and I haven't the energy or mental space at the moment to begin to analyze such things. But this morning's message reminded me that God put me where I am for a reason - regardless of the surrounding circumstances. And that is something I can rest assured in.

Funny how sometimes God can send you a message you didn't even know you needed.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Acceptance

2009-11-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

This post is a bit of a departure from my normal writings on here. I am starting a journey in a way that I'm a little nervous about. Almost 6 years ago I was diagnosed with 3 autoimmune diseases including rheumatoid arthritis.

It's not something I've ever written about - actually I don't think I've ever even journaled about it. It's one of those things I've wanted to keep to myself as long as humanly possible. It's one of the reasons I was so happy to move to Cali - much less humidity than Houston = less pain and misery for me.

However, it's on my mind more and more these days, so...I've decided that for my 2nd piece in my magazine class, I'm going to tackle it as my topic. Life with RA & other autoimmune diseases.

I was working on this tonight and I have to admit reading, researching, all of it makes a knot in my tummy. I don't like the possibilities of this illness. It's one reason I haven't written about it. It makes it real. I prefer it to just be someting I deal with - but I realize that it will affect more areas of my life than I could ever deal with on my own.

So maybe writing about it will help in the long run. I never thought about looking for people who have the same issues I do. But it could be cool. And writing has always been a good way for me to work through things - why not this?

Just what's on my mind tonight.
-Lisa

October

2009-10-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

Hello :o)

It's October. YAY! I love October. I love fall. However at the moment, I am mostly happy that September is over. It was a long month...a frustrating month in many ways. Maybe it was just getting back in the swing of things.

Anyone have fun plans for October?

My main thing will of course be Halloween. :o) I think (hope) one of my cousins will be coming to visit. Should be a fun, kinda traditional Halloween of costumes and junk food and scaring the daylights out of ourselves followed up by silly comedies for recovery.

It will be a busy month leading up to that, but hopefully one that contains a little peace & quiet and a healthy dose of creativity.

Happy October!

-Lisa

On a Quiet Sunday Morning

2009-09-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

I was having quiet time this morning, going back over some verses I'd highlighted in my Bible some time back. One of these, Psalm 5 - vs. 1-3 in particular - "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing; Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

There was a time in my life when I read this passage every morning before I prayed - it was a time when I was very, very unhappy with a lot in my life & someone dear to me recommended that I read Psalm 5 daily.

At some time, I presume the beginning of 2008, I made a note near the top of that chapter in my Bible that says "2008 - expectation is the goal for this year." Have I learned to expect? I think so...my heart still feels what you might call "gun shy" about it on occasion, but yes I think I have learned a lot about expecting when it comes to God - to His love & to the way He cares for us.

So what's next?

We had a guest speaker at the church I go to a few weeks ago & her message focused on this verse in Ephesians that I must have read before because I know I've read the book of Ephesians, but I somehow missed it - or missed the point of it because as she spoke about it...it was like a "wait...what? that's in there? that's not just something everyone tells you because it sounds nice???"

The verse is Ephesians 3:20-21 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (emphasis added by me - obviously)

This morning as I was re-reading these verses I couldn't help but think really? Beyond what I could ask? Beyond what I could imagine? At first I thought the issues I'd had with expecting were circling overhead planning to come back to bother me. So I started to pray about this verse specifically.

I've never lacked ability in the imagining department - ask any of my relatives who had to listen to the elaborate stories I would make up and tell them. I consider imagination to be one of our most valuable resources as humans. So as I began to pray all I could say at first was God I can imagine an awful lot. And it was as if I heard a voice say "would you have ever imagined being back in school?"

No. Not in a million years. Ever. School was at the bottom of the pile as far as plans - I went a long time feeling that I'd done my time (so to speak), I had a BA - what more could I possibly need.

And truth be told, while I'd wanted to be in California for quite a few years before moving, I would have never imagined being in Los Angeles. I liked northern California (as I happily told anyone who would listen to me for a good 3 or 4 years).

But now...now I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I am happier than I've been in a very long time. I can quite honestly say that I love it here. That I love my life, for the most part, love where I am & even love school (most days). ;o)

Okay...so He is quite able to work beyond the all-too-human limits of my imagination...

If expectation was the goal for 2008 & granted it spilled right over into 2009, what is the goal for the rest of 2009 / 2010? Believe far beyond what I can imagine? Expect what is beyond my own expectations? Or perhaps simply just come to a peaceful place of belief.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Truth

2009-08-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

I had a thought earlier today, which I wrote down in my journal:

Truth is often best found in the desires God whispers into our hearts.

The older I get, the easier it gets for me to doubt that quiet voice. More often than not these days I feel like God has to shout things into my life. And sometimes I believe this is simply part of being an adult. However, at the same time I believe that it is crucial, the older we get, to still ourselves long enough to hear God's whisperings.

I was talking to a friend when I was back in Texas for a visit. We were discussing how at home I feel in California, in a way that I've never felt in my life. She was asking me why I think I would have been born and lived in a place so long if I didn't belong there (more or less).

As a Christian, I believe God has a plan, but I also believe within that we each have to take our own journey into learning to listen to & trust Him. For me, leaving Texas and moving to California was a huge step on that journey & a scary one leaving my family & friends - my Mom even though I'm her only child (and I cannot tell you how many people I've had ask me how I could do that to her since I moved).

All that said, moving here has been the best thing ever and I'm so grateful to live in a place I feel I belong. And also has helped me learn to trust more and grow and to listen to His whisperings.

Truth is often best found in the desires God whispers into our hearts.

Just a thought.

Trust

2009-07-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

My favorite Bible verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. Okay I guess that's technically verses, but still...

I was looking at this passage this morning and it struck me - I probably should have known I had a few trust issues to work through when I used to shy away from verse 5. For years I said my favorite verse was Proverbs 3:6 only, which is "Acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

I first discovered this verse the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school. I liked it - basically it said to me that through praying and keeping the line of conversation open with God (so to speak) He would give guidance. Made sense to me - was fairly simple as far as my side of things - and I liked it. However, particularly in the last few years, I've begun to see that you can't really have verse 6 without the preceding verse.

Don't get me wrong, prayer is never a bad thing and I do believe that God will guide us, sometimes gently & sometimes not. But all of that requires trust.

For some time I actually did not like verse 5, which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways..." Everything that came before the word "but" was hard for me to understand...especially the not leaning on your own understanding. I was fine with God's guidance as long as I felt in the loop so to speak. Basically, if I felt like what was going on made sense, I figured it must be right.

The older I get the more I wonder if in fact it is the opposite & the less sense it makes to me, the better off I'll be.

Many things in recent years in my own life have made very little sense, but (at least in hindsight) I can see that the good and the bad were necessary for me to get me to the place I am today. And sure, I made some bad choices along the way, but I'm human - that's what humans do, often when we're doing what makes the most sense.

Just a thought.

Listening to: Bjork - Vespertine

Gratitude

2009-07-09T13:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a bit about gratitude today. One of my favorite organizations, the Joyful Heart Foundation (it's amazing - check it out!), uses each Thursday as "Things We're Thankful for Thursday" on their Facebook site.

As I was sitting here on my couch returning emails earlier, I started thinking about the things I'm thankful for. Family, friends, pets, what you might consider the usual stuff.

Since I moved to California I find that I'll be driving around to the grocery store or school or wherever and my mind will wander to a feeling of just being incredibly grateful for living here in this place. Granted, I have a number of friends and relatives who think I'm insane for liking L.A. as much as I do, but that's okay.

I'm sad to say that this is the first time I've ever felt just grateful to be in one place in this way. It's something that on one hand seems very small, but on the other hand being happy where you live is an amazing thing in itself.

It's a beautiful day here & wherever you are, perhaps it's a good time to think about the things you're thankful for.

Just a thought.

Summer of Love Pt. 1

2009-07-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

This summer (so far) has been an interesting journey for me. Mostly spiritual & emotional at this point. And it's all revolved around love in one way or another.

Actually, I can't seem to get away from the topic. When the summer started I wanted to use part of it as a sort of spiritual retreat to (as I told one friend) re-ground myself spiritually. For me this meant getting back into the habit of daily quiet time and prayer...and beginning to do some work on my heart that's needed to be done for a long time.

Allowing God to work on your heart is a wonderful and terribly frightening journey. It involves facing issues like trust and belief and well...love. Not to mention going over things from your past you thought were buried years ago. Nope! If you begin to open up your heart for healing when it's been wounded you'll find the mending process to involve its own amount of pain. But, it's worth it.

At the start of summer I began this journey by reading (a.k.a. crying my way through) two books. Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge and Do You Think I'm Beautiful by Angela Thomas. They are both incredible and worth the reading. (And I'm not sure that everyone cries their way through the way I did - I'm fairly certain the journey is different for each person).

In reading these books, I had some major revelations about myself and things in my life that I thought I'd dealt with quite well. I realized something kind of interesting that I thought of again this morning as I sat in church.

Today was the start of a new sermon series at the church I go to (Oasis Christian Center) called Roommates, Bad Dates, & Great Mates (I told you, I can't escape the subject of love). Anyway, as Pastor Phillip was talking about how God loves us; how God never leaves us; and how in those moments when we think He's disappeared, all we have to do is turn around a look and He's there, I started thinking.

When I was young, and attending a private Lutheran school, we were told similar things - like that Jesus was always with us. My school life was not the happiest thing - that's actually putting it quite mildly - and I can remember in first or second grade sitting at my desk and picturing Jesus being beside me, because if he was beside me, then I wasn't really alone. Somewhere along the path to life that image got lost in the weight of feeling all alone for a long time.

But what actually strikes me about it is I had no problem imagining Jesus always being with me. He was cool, amazing, and very clearly (from what I was learning at school and in church - and later on my own) loving. He epitomized selfless love.

In rather sharp contrast to that, the idea of God, the Father, always being there...that I had a harder time with, but I didn't know how to express that. I just knew from the time I was very young until adulthood whenever someone would try to encourage me to not be sad about my lack of an "earthly" father in my life because I had such a wonderful "heavenly" Father, I would get very angry. It became like an instantaneous button for me. Angry and then sad and kinda hurt.

It wasn't until high school that I began to look at God like a "parent". I had a parent - a wonderful mother - so I could handle that label. And I liked it. And it allowed me to grow closer to Him and to be open to that. But somewhere in the midst of early adulthood, all those issues with "father" came creeping back.

As an adult, I realized what caused such terrible feelings in me when very well-meaning people tried to explain the idea of God as a father to me. The word "father" didn't mean anything to me. And when I say that, I mean it was really and truly devoid of meaning; empty. I had nothing - no expectations - to attach to that word, so I had never learned how to view God as a Father who loves & provides for His children because I had no reality to put with that.

This is something I've been working out over the last couple of years actually. Slowly learning to trust. Learning to let go. Learning to believe I do know His voice (and no I don't mean that in a little voices in your head kind of way / call the men in the white coats kind of way). Some things are very difficult to express in writing actually...

I still have a lot to learn. But I know an awfully large number of girls, like me, who had their hearts broken by either an absent father or one who showed them nothing resembling love. And who, also like me, haven't found peace with letting God father them. It really is a great thing I gotta tell ya. Seriously. But it's a process. A huge process. One that involves letting go of a lot. And trusting. Trusting is a whole other blog. Oy.

Tonight however I have two things I'm pondering. The first is 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 which is "...If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

The second is (shorter!) Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord."

Think about that. Love as described in 1 Corinthians is (I believe) described in its perfect state - in the way that God loves us and how we should strive to love one another. It's an amazing, powerful love. And then the idea that nothing can separate us from God's love - His perfect love. Nothing we do. Not the way other people see us or have treated us or made us feel. He loves us. Period.

And granted that is why He shows us both grace and mercy. And within His grace we are called to belong to Him, to be His children. No matter how we got here, or how either of our parents treated us (either - if you have mom issues or dad issues or neither), or how friends, boy/girlfriends, lovers, husbands, wives, exes, family, etc. have made us feel - He loves us just the way we are.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Currently Listening to the Soundtrack to Memoirs of a Geisha

Introduction

2009-07-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Hi, & Happy 4th of July to you!

I wanted to write a quick introduction to explain the type of blog I plan to have here.

This will be a place where I'll write about whatever strikes me that day (and I will tell you upfront it may or may not be a daily thing). I will probably write quite a bit about God and faith, but not so much in a sermon-type way, as that is not my department.

I like to share some of the things I think and the way my faith impacts the rest of my life.

I will also (probably) blog about artsy stuff because the arts in general were & are kind of like my first love. They are something I've run from on occasion (for "practical" purposes) and yet I always find myself back in their midst - and that is a place where I am happy, so much for practical.

This is not supposed to be a place of professional expression, a.k.a. work / journalism. It is a place for the expression of thought. Therefore it is in no way meant to be unbiased. I will happily be expressing my own thoughts, opinions, feelings, etc. here. So feel free to leave me comments with your own thoughts.

I hope that, if you're reading this, you'll enjoy what you find here & check back often.