Ever notice that doubts kind of creep up on you when you're really busy or pretty stressed about other things and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a meltdown and you aren't quite sure how you got there?
I've been grappling with a little of that lately. Just about different things. What ifs and why nots I call them. I really figured this was brought on largely by the start of my last semester in grad school and the impending job search.
And actually, I thought I'd just about sorted everything out. I was feeling much better about things or at least I wasn't feeling noticeably "blue". Still...there was that little kind of "eh" feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on that just didn't feel right.
I appear to be coming down with a slight cold so I stayed home today (all day) and dosed myself with Vitamin C & Zinc and otc meds. Since I'd decided to stay home I live-streamed this morning's message at the church I usually go to (http://www.oasisla.org/) and watched.
The series they've been doing is called I Heart LA. Today's message was I Heart LA City of Creativity.
Somewhere in the midst of this message the "eh" feeling broke. I realized that as thankful as I am for being in LA and as much as I try to focus on the positive...somewhere deep in the back of my mind there's a little part of me that's waiting for it to disappear.
I'm not sure why that is and I haven't the energy or mental space at the moment to begin to analyze such things. But this morning's message reminded me that God put me where I am for a reason - regardless of the surrounding circumstances. And that is something I can rest assured in.
Funny how sometimes God can send you a message you didn't even know you needed.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Acceptance
This post is a bit of a departure from my normal writings on here. I am starting a journey in a way that I'm a little nervous about. Almost 6 years ago I was diagnosed with 3 autoimmune diseases including rheumatoid arthritis.
It's not something I've ever written about - actually I don't think I've ever even journaled about it. It's one of those things I've wanted to keep to myself as long as humanly possible. It's one of the reasons I was so happy to move to Cali - much less humidity than Houston = less pain and misery for me.
However, it's on my mind more and more these days, so...I've decided that for my 2nd piece in my magazine class, I'm going to tackle it as my topic. Life with RA & other autoimmune diseases.
I was working on this tonight and I have to admit reading, researching, all of it makes a knot in my tummy. I don't like the possibilities of this illness. It's one reason I haven't written about it. It makes it real. I prefer it to just be someting I deal with - but I realize that it will affect more areas of my life than I could ever deal with on my own.
So maybe writing about it will help in the long run. I never thought about looking for people who have the same issues I do. But it could be cool. And writing has always been a good way for me to work through things - why not this?
Just what's on my mind tonight.
-Lisa
It's not something I've ever written about - actually I don't think I've ever even journaled about it. It's one of those things I've wanted to keep to myself as long as humanly possible. It's one of the reasons I was so happy to move to Cali - much less humidity than Houston = less pain and misery for me.
However, it's on my mind more and more these days, so...I've decided that for my 2nd piece in my magazine class, I'm going to tackle it as my topic. Life with RA & other autoimmune diseases.
I was working on this tonight and I have to admit reading, researching, all of it makes a knot in my tummy. I don't like the possibilities of this illness. It's one reason I haven't written about it. It makes it real. I prefer it to just be someting I deal with - but I realize that it will affect more areas of my life than I could ever deal with on my own.
So maybe writing about it will help in the long run. I never thought about looking for people who have the same issues I do. But it could be cool. And writing has always been a good way for me to work through things - why not this?
Just what's on my mind tonight.
-Lisa
Thursday, October 1, 2009
October
Hello :o)
It's October. YAY! I love October. I love fall. However at the moment, I am mostly happy that September is over. It was a long month...a frustrating month in many ways. Maybe it was just getting back in the swing of things.
Anyone have fun plans for October?
My main thing will of course be Halloween. :o) I think (hope) one of my cousins will be coming to visit. Should be a fun, kinda traditional Halloween of costumes and junk food and scaring the daylights out of ourselves followed up by silly comedies for recovery.
It will be a busy month leading up to that, but hopefully one that contains a little peace & quiet and a healthy dose of creativity.
Happy October!
-Lisa
It's October. YAY! I love October. I love fall. However at the moment, I am mostly happy that September is over. It was a long month...a frustrating month in many ways. Maybe it was just getting back in the swing of things.
Anyone have fun plans for October?
My main thing will of course be Halloween. :o) I think (hope) one of my cousins will be coming to visit. Should be a fun, kinda traditional Halloween of costumes and junk food and scaring the daylights out of ourselves followed up by silly comedies for recovery.
It will be a busy month leading up to that, but hopefully one that contains a little peace & quiet and a healthy dose of creativity.
Happy October!
-Lisa
Sunday, September 20, 2009
On a Quiet Sunday Morning
I was having quiet time this morning, going back over some verses I'd highlighted in my Bible some time back. One of these, Psalm 5 - vs. 1-3 in particular - "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing; Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."
There was a time in my life when I read this passage every morning before I prayed - it was a time when I was very, very unhappy with a lot in my life & someone dear to me recommended that I read Psalm 5 daily.
At some time, I presume the beginning of 2008, I made a note near the top of that chapter in my Bible that says "2008 - expectation is the goal for this year." Have I learned to expect? I think so...my heart still feels what you might call "gun shy" about it on occasion, but yes I think I have learned a lot about expecting when it comes to God - to His love & to the way He cares for us.
So what's next?
We had a guest speaker at the church I go to a few weeks ago & her message focused on this verse in Ephesians that I must have read before because I know I've read the book of Ephesians, but I somehow missed it - or missed the point of it because as she spoke about it...it was like a "wait...what? that's in there? that's not just something everyone tells you because it sounds nice???"
The verse is Ephesians 3:20-21 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (emphasis added by me - obviously)
This morning as I was re-reading these verses I couldn't help but think really? Beyond what I could ask? Beyond what I could imagine? At first I thought the issues I'd had with expecting were circling overhead planning to come back to bother me. So I started to pray about this verse specifically.
I've never lacked ability in the imagining department - ask any of my relatives who had to listen to the elaborate stories I would make up and tell them. I consider imagination to be one of our most valuable resources as humans. So as I began to pray all I could say at first was God I can imagine an awful lot. And it was as if I heard a voice say "would you have ever imagined being back in school?"
No. Not in a million years. Ever. School was at the bottom of the pile as far as plans - I went a long time feeling that I'd done my time (so to speak), I had a BA - what more could I possibly need.
And truth be told, while I'd wanted to be in California for quite a few years before moving, I would have never imagined being in Los Angeles. I liked northern California (as I happily told anyone who would listen to me for a good 3 or 4 years).
But now...now I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I am happier than I've been in a very long time. I can quite honestly say that I love it here. That I love my life, for the most part, love where I am & even love school (most days). ;o)
Okay...so He is quite able to work beyond the all-too-human limits of my imagination...
If expectation was the goal for 2008 & granted it spilled right over into 2009, what is the goal for the rest of 2009 / 2010? Believe far beyond what I can imagine? Expect what is beyond my own expectations? Or perhaps simply just come to a peaceful place of belief.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
There was a time in my life when I read this passage every morning before I prayed - it was a time when I was very, very unhappy with a lot in my life & someone dear to me recommended that I read Psalm 5 daily.
At some time, I presume the beginning of 2008, I made a note near the top of that chapter in my Bible that says "2008 - expectation is the goal for this year." Have I learned to expect? I think so...my heart still feels what you might call "gun shy" about it on occasion, but yes I think I have learned a lot about expecting when it comes to God - to His love & to the way He cares for us.
So what's next?
We had a guest speaker at the church I go to a few weeks ago & her message focused on this verse in Ephesians that I must have read before because I know I've read the book of Ephesians, but I somehow missed it - or missed the point of it because as she spoke about it...it was like a "wait...what? that's in there? that's not just something everyone tells you because it sounds nice???"
The verse is Ephesians 3:20-21 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (emphasis added by me - obviously)
This morning as I was re-reading these verses I couldn't help but think really? Beyond what I could ask? Beyond what I could imagine? At first I thought the issues I'd had with expecting were circling overhead planning to come back to bother me. So I started to pray about this verse specifically.
I've never lacked ability in the imagining department - ask any of my relatives who had to listen to the elaborate stories I would make up and tell them. I consider imagination to be one of our most valuable resources as humans. So as I began to pray all I could say at first was God I can imagine an awful lot. And it was as if I heard a voice say "would you have ever imagined being back in school?"
No. Not in a million years. Ever. School was at the bottom of the pile as far as plans - I went a long time feeling that I'd done my time (so to speak), I had a BA - what more could I possibly need.
And truth be told, while I'd wanted to be in California for quite a few years before moving, I would have never imagined being in Los Angeles. I liked northern California (as I happily told anyone who would listen to me for a good 3 or 4 years).
But now...now I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I am happier than I've been in a very long time. I can quite honestly say that I love it here. That I love my life, for the most part, love where I am & even love school (most days). ;o)
Okay...so He is quite able to work beyond the all-too-human limits of my imagination...
If expectation was the goal for 2008 & granted it spilled right over into 2009, what is the goal for the rest of 2009 / 2010? Believe far beyond what I can imagine? Expect what is beyond my own expectations? Or perhaps simply just come to a peaceful place of belief.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Truth
I had a thought earlier today, which I wrote down in my journal:
Truth is often best found in the desires God whispers into our hearts.
The older I get, the easier it gets for me to doubt that quiet voice. More often than not these days I feel like God has to shout things into my life. And sometimes I believe this is simply part of being an adult. However, at the same time I believe that it is crucial, the older we get, to still ourselves long enough to hear God's whisperings.
I was talking to a friend when I was back in Texas for a visit. We were discussing how at home I feel in California, in a way that I've never felt in my life. She was asking me why I think I would have been born and lived in a place so long if I didn't belong there (more or less).
As a Christian, I believe God has a plan, but I also believe within that we each have to take our own journey into learning to listen to & trust Him. For me, leaving Texas and moving to California was a huge step on that journey & a scary one leaving my family & friends - my Mom even though I'm her only child (and I cannot tell you how many people I've had ask me how I could do that to her since I moved).
All that said, moving here has been the best thing ever and I'm so grateful to live in a place I feel I belong. And also has helped me learn to trust more and grow and to listen to His whisperings.
Truth is often best found in the desires God whispers into our hearts.
Just a thought.
Truth is often best found in the desires God whispers into our hearts.
The older I get, the easier it gets for me to doubt that quiet voice. More often than not these days I feel like God has to shout things into my life. And sometimes I believe this is simply part of being an adult. However, at the same time I believe that it is crucial, the older we get, to still ourselves long enough to hear God's whisperings.
I was talking to a friend when I was back in Texas for a visit. We were discussing how at home I feel in California, in a way that I've never felt in my life. She was asking me why I think I would have been born and lived in a place so long if I didn't belong there (more or less).
As a Christian, I believe God has a plan, but I also believe within that we each have to take our own journey into learning to listen to & trust Him. For me, leaving Texas and moving to California was a huge step on that journey & a scary one leaving my family & friends - my Mom even though I'm her only child (and I cannot tell you how many people I've had ask me how I could do that to her since I moved).
All that said, moving here has been the best thing ever and I'm so grateful to live in a place I feel I belong. And also has helped me learn to trust more and grow and to listen to His whisperings.
Truth is often best found in the desires God whispers into our hearts.
Just a thought.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Trust
My favorite Bible verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. Okay I guess that's technically verses, but still...
I was looking at this passage this morning and it struck me - I probably should have known I had a few trust issues to work through when I used to shy away from verse 5. For years I said my favorite verse was Proverbs 3:6 only, which is "Acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."
I first discovered this verse the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school. I liked it - basically it said to me that through praying and keeping the line of conversation open with God (so to speak) He would give guidance. Made sense to me - was fairly simple as far as my side of things - and I liked it. However, particularly in the last few years, I've begun to see that you can't really have verse 6 without the preceding verse.
Don't get me wrong, prayer is never a bad thing and I do believe that God will guide us, sometimes gently & sometimes not. But all of that requires trust.
For some time I actually did not like verse 5, which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways..." Everything that came before the word "but" was hard for me to understand...especially the not leaning on your own understanding. I was fine with God's guidance as long as I felt in the loop so to speak. Basically, if I felt like what was going on made sense, I figured it must be right.
The older I get the more I wonder if in fact it is the opposite & the less sense it makes to me, the better off I'll be.
Many things in recent years in my own life have made very little sense, but (at least in hindsight) I can see that the good and the bad were necessary for me to get me to the place I am today. And sure, I made some bad choices along the way, but I'm human - that's what humans do, often when we're doing what makes the most sense.
Just a thought.
Listening to: Bjork - Vespertine
I was looking at this passage this morning and it struck me - I probably should have known I had a few trust issues to work through when I used to shy away from verse 5. For years I said my favorite verse was Proverbs 3:6 only, which is "Acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."
I first discovered this verse the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school. I liked it - basically it said to me that through praying and keeping the line of conversation open with God (so to speak) He would give guidance. Made sense to me - was fairly simple as far as my side of things - and I liked it. However, particularly in the last few years, I've begun to see that you can't really have verse 6 without the preceding verse.
Don't get me wrong, prayer is never a bad thing and I do believe that God will guide us, sometimes gently & sometimes not. But all of that requires trust.
For some time I actually did not like verse 5, which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways..." Everything that came before the word "but" was hard for me to understand...especially the not leaning on your own understanding. I was fine with God's guidance as long as I felt in the loop so to speak. Basically, if I felt like what was going on made sense, I figured it must be right.
The older I get the more I wonder if in fact it is the opposite & the less sense it makes to me, the better off I'll be.
Many things in recent years in my own life have made very little sense, but (at least in hindsight) I can see that the good and the bad were necessary for me to get me to the place I am today. And sure, I made some bad choices along the way, but I'm human - that's what humans do, often when we're doing what makes the most sense.
Just a thought.
Listening to: Bjork - Vespertine
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Gratitude
I've been thinking a bit about gratitude today. One of my favorite organizations, the Joyful Heart Foundation (it's amazing - check it out!), uses each Thursday as "Things We're Thankful for Thursday" on their Facebook site.
As I was sitting here on my couch returning emails earlier, I started thinking about the things I'm thankful for. Family, friends, pets, what you might consider the usual stuff.
Since I moved to California I find that I'll be driving around to the grocery store or school or wherever and my mind will wander to a feeling of just being incredibly grateful for living here in this place. Granted, I have a number of friends and relatives who think I'm insane for liking L.A. as much as I do, but that's okay.
I'm sad to say that this is the first time I've ever felt just grateful to be in one place in this way. It's something that on one hand seems very small, but on the other hand being happy where you live is an amazing thing in itself.
It's a beautiful day here & wherever you are, perhaps it's a good time to think about the things you're thankful for.
Just a thought.
As I was sitting here on my couch returning emails earlier, I started thinking about the things I'm thankful for. Family, friends, pets, what you might consider the usual stuff.
Since I moved to California I find that I'll be driving around to the grocery store or school or wherever and my mind will wander to a feeling of just being incredibly grateful for living here in this place. Granted, I have a number of friends and relatives who think I'm insane for liking L.A. as much as I do, but that's okay.
I'm sad to say that this is the first time I've ever felt just grateful to be in one place in this way. It's something that on one hand seems very small, but on the other hand being happy where you live is an amazing thing in itself.
It's a beautiful day here & wherever you are, perhaps it's a good time to think about the things you're thankful for.
Just a thought.
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