My grandmother passed away on Sunday, July 25, 2010. We are remembering her life this week & I wanted to post her obit to honor her here. I may post a real bio later on.
-Lisa
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/houstonchronicle/obituary.aspx?n=dardanella-lucille-daugherty-dee&pid=144325809
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Strength & Weakness
The past few days I've been filled with a kind of anxiety that I can't really explain to anyone, but it's waking me up in the middle of the night with a jolt.
It's not about the job thing - rather the lack of a job thing - for better or worse, I feel really peaceful about that actually. I think I know this source. You see roughly 1,500 miles from me, my grandmother is having some pretty serious health stuff going on, scary stuff. And we are not sure what's going to happen.
My grandmother and I are very close. Growing up it was just her, me, & my Mom She taught me to ride a bike and later how to drive a car - her car, which to be fair was really more like a small boat than an actual car. She taught me the song "I love you, a bushell and a peck, a bushell and a peck and a hug around the neck..." Sometimes we'd butt heads, but I knew she'd always be there for me when I needed her - even if I just needed a hug.
So, being this far away & knowing how much she's hurting I've been facing a lot of feelings over the past few days that I would rather leaved shoved in the back of a dark corner somewhere. Anxiety. Or so I thought until this morning.
This morning as I was getting my first cup of coffee and checking messages / Facebook / Twitter on my BlackBerry, I saw a tweet one of my friends posted (@azureantoinette - follow her, she's great) she tweeted a Bible verse this morning. 2nd Corithians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (according to the NIV translation I have). The rest of the passage goes on to say "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I really needed to read that this morning. And I had no idea. I think it is weakness and not anxiety that I've been feeling after all. Being in LA with my mom and grandmother in Texas, while she is so sick and being told not to fly home, it's okay; wait to see what the doctor says; wait to see if they admit her to the hospital; wait; wait; wait - I found myself literally walking the floor of my apartment last night waiting for an update, a phone call, a text message - something.
I don't do well with waiting. I'm a planner and something of a fixer - if there's an issue I (generally) believe in analyzing it and taking some course of action. But that isn't always possible. And that can leave a person feeling helpless.
A friend and I went to the movies today; and I ran a couple of errands after that - errands relating to the possibility of flying home at a moments notice. And I realized, as I told my friend, on some "Murphy's Law" level I was doing all of this - all my planning because if I'm prepared, then nothing will happen.
And nothing can happen yet because ... I don't know how to make her banana pudding or chicken and dumplings the way she makes them, which is the only way I like them. And I don't remember all of the stuff she's told me my whole life that I have to remember if anything happens to her. And I know there is at least one story left that I don't know - that only she can tell me. So you see, she just has to be okay.
So at this moment, I am weak. And that I need strength that could only come from God. Because I know I can't fix it. I can't make everything all better. I can't make whatever time I am blessed to have with her last a lifetime. And I know a lifetime would not be long enough.
Have you ever read the poem "Footprints?" It may be "Footprints in the Sand", I'm not sure to tell you the truth. The gist of the story is that a man looked back on his life and saw 2 sets of footprints throughout it - one belonged to him and on to God. And yet several times - time he identified as being of great hardship in his life - there was only one set. He got very upset with God and asked why God would leave him in those moments. God explains, of course, that He did not leave, but was simply carrying the man.
As a child I always wondered what those times were. I imagined them to be of great disaster. But, at the moment I wonder if they weren't times that were like what I'm feeling now. Because I assure you I am having more moments per day where I feel less of the 29 year old that I am and more like the 5 year old little girl that I was the first time I remember my grandmother being sick and us having to take her to the hospital. I remember setting in the hallway outside her room with my cousin who's older than me while our moms were inside the room with her. And being aware enough to know my mom and my aunt were scared. And feeling something then in that moment I didn't know how to identify. Maybe it was weak.
-Lisa
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Around the Bend
Today is officially 19 days from Graduation Day.
I have my last final on May 7 and I find myself feeling a mix of wishing the days would pass quickly because I'm a little burned out and ready for the next phase of my life; but also trying to enjoy the remaining days of grad school because (having done this once already) I know this is time I will never get back.
Still I have the type of personality that easily lends itself to rushing ahead of ... well, life. Always trying to plan and anticipate what is coming.
Right now I feel like I'm coming around a blind corner and that although the future is just ahead of me I cannot see it, nor anticipate what it will hold. It's a strange feeling. One I haven't had since just before grad school began. It is exciting and scary, but it is good.
Time to step out of the boat once more.
-Lisa
I have my last final on May 7 and I find myself feeling a mix of wishing the days would pass quickly because I'm a little burned out and ready for the next phase of my life; but also trying to enjoy the remaining days of grad school because (having done this once already) I know this is time I will never get back.
Still I have the type of personality that easily lends itself to rushing ahead of ... well, life. Always trying to plan and anticipate what is coming.
Right now I feel like I'm coming around a blind corner and that although the future is just ahead of me I cannot see it, nor anticipate what it will hold. It's a strange feeling. One I haven't had since just before grad school began. It is exciting and scary, but it is good.
Time to step out of the boat once more.
-Lisa
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Blessed Assurance
Ever notice that doubts kind of creep up on you when you're really busy or pretty stressed about other things and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a meltdown and you aren't quite sure how you got there?
I've been grappling with a little of that lately. Just about different things. What ifs and why nots I call them. I really figured this was brought on largely by the start of my last semester in grad school and the impending job search.
And actually, I thought I'd just about sorted everything out. I was feeling much better about things or at least I wasn't feeling noticeably "blue". Still...there was that little kind of "eh" feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on that just didn't feel right.
I appear to be coming down with a slight cold so I stayed home today (all day) and dosed myself with Vitamin C & Zinc and otc meds. Since I'd decided to stay home I live-streamed this morning's message at the church I usually go to (http://www.oasisla.org/) and watched.
The series they've been doing is called I Heart LA. Today's message was I Heart LA City of Creativity.
Somewhere in the midst of this message the "eh" feeling broke. I realized that as thankful as I am for being in LA and as much as I try to focus on the positive...somewhere deep in the back of my mind there's a little part of me that's waiting for it to disappear.
I'm not sure why that is and I haven't the energy or mental space at the moment to begin to analyze such things. But this morning's message reminded me that God put me where I am for a reason - regardless of the surrounding circumstances. And that is something I can rest assured in.
Funny how sometimes God can send you a message you didn't even know you needed.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
I've been grappling with a little of that lately. Just about different things. What ifs and why nots I call them. I really figured this was brought on largely by the start of my last semester in grad school and the impending job search.
And actually, I thought I'd just about sorted everything out. I was feeling much better about things or at least I wasn't feeling noticeably "blue". Still...there was that little kind of "eh" feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on that just didn't feel right.
I appear to be coming down with a slight cold so I stayed home today (all day) and dosed myself with Vitamin C & Zinc and otc meds. Since I'd decided to stay home I live-streamed this morning's message at the church I usually go to (http://www.oasisla.org/) and watched.
The series they've been doing is called I Heart LA. Today's message was I Heart LA City of Creativity.
Somewhere in the midst of this message the "eh" feeling broke. I realized that as thankful as I am for being in LA and as much as I try to focus on the positive...somewhere deep in the back of my mind there's a little part of me that's waiting for it to disappear.
I'm not sure why that is and I haven't the energy or mental space at the moment to begin to analyze such things. But this morning's message reminded me that God put me where I am for a reason - regardless of the surrounding circumstances. And that is something I can rest assured in.
Funny how sometimes God can send you a message you didn't even know you needed.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Acceptance
This post is a bit of a departure from my normal writings on here. I am starting a journey in a way that I'm a little nervous about. Almost 6 years ago I was diagnosed with 3 autoimmune diseases including rheumatoid arthritis.
It's not something I've ever written about - actually I don't think I've ever even journaled about it. It's one of those things I've wanted to keep to myself as long as humanly possible. It's one of the reasons I was so happy to move to Cali - much less humidity than Houston = less pain and misery for me.
However, it's on my mind more and more these days, so...I've decided that for my 2nd piece in my magazine class, I'm going to tackle it as my topic. Life with RA & other autoimmune diseases.
I was working on this tonight and I have to admit reading, researching, all of it makes a knot in my tummy. I don't like the possibilities of this illness. It's one reason I haven't written about it. It makes it real. I prefer it to just be someting I deal with - but I realize that it will affect more areas of my life than I could ever deal with on my own.
So maybe writing about it will help in the long run. I never thought about looking for people who have the same issues I do. But it could be cool. And writing has always been a good way for me to work through things - why not this?
Just what's on my mind tonight.
-Lisa
It's not something I've ever written about - actually I don't think I've ever even journaled about it. It's one of those things I've wanted to keep to myself as long as humanly possible. It's one of the reasons I was so happy to move to Cali - much less humidity than Houston = less pain and misery for me.
However, it's on my mind more and more these days, so...I've decided that for my 2nd piece in my magazine class, I'm going to tackle it as my topic. Life with RA & other autoimmune diseases.
I was working on this tonight and I have to admit reading, researching, all of it makes a knot in my tummy. I don't like the possibilities of this illness. It's one reason I haven't written about it. It makes it real. I prefer it to just be someting I deal with - but I realize that it will affect more areas of my life than I could ever deal with on my own.
So maybe writing about it will help in the long run. I never thought about looking for people who have the same issues I do. But it could be cool. And writing has always been a good way for me to work through things - why not this?
Just what's on my mind tonight.
-Lisa
Thursday, October 1, 2009
October
Hello :o)
It's October. YAY! I love October. I love fall. However at the moment, I am mostly happy that September is over. It was a long month...a frustrating month in many ways. Maybe it was just getting back in the swing of things.
Anyone have fun plans for October?
My main thing will of course be Halloween. :o) I think (hope) one of my cousins will be coming to visit. Should be a fun, kinda traditional Halloween of costumes and junk food and scaring the daylights out of ourselves followed up by silly comedies for recovery.
It will be a busy month leading up to that, but hopefully one that contains a little peace & quiet and a healthy dose of creativity.
Happy October!
-Lisa
It's October. YAY! I love October. I love fall. However at the moment, I am mostly happy that September is over. It was a long month...a frustrating month in many ways. Maybe it was just getting back in the swing of things.
Anyone have fun plans for October?
My main thing will of course be Halloween. :o) I think (hope) one of my cousins will be coming to visit. Should be a fun, kinda traditional Halloween of costumes and junk food and scaring the daylights out of ourselves followed up by silly comedies for recovery.
It will be a busy month leading up to that, but hopefully one that contains a little peace & quiet and a healthy dose of creativity.
Happy October!
-Lisa
Sunday, September 20, 2009
On a Quiet Sunday Morning
I was having quiet time this morning, going back over some verses I'd highlighted in my Bible some time back. One of these, Psalm 5 - vs. 1-3 in particular - "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing; Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."
There was a time in my life when I read this passage every morning before I prayed - it was a time when I was very, very unhappy with a lot in my life & someone dear to me recommended that I read Psalm 5 daily.
At some time, I presume the beginning of 2008, I made a note near the top of that chapter in my Bible that says "2008 - expectation is the goal for this year." Have I learned to expect? I think so...my heart still feels what you might call "gun shy" about it on occasion, but yes I think I have learned a lot about expecting when it comes to God - to His love & to the way He cares for us.
So what's next?
We had a guest speaker at the church I go to a few weeks ago & her message focused on this verse in Ephesians that I must have read before because I know I've read the book of Ephesians, but I somehow missed it - or missed the point of it because as she spoke about it...it was like a "wait...what? that's in there? that's not just something everyone tells you because it sounds nice???"
The verse is Ephesians 3:20-21 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (emphasis added by me - obviously)
This morning as I was re-reading these verses I couldn't help but think really? Beyond what I could ask? Beyond what I could imagine? At first I thought the issues I'd had with expecting were circling overhead planning to come back to bother me. So I started to pray about this verse specifically.
I've never lacked ability in the imagining department - ask any of my relatives who had to listen to the elaborate stories I would make up and tell them. I consider imagination to be one of our most valuable resources as humans. So as I began to pray all I could say at first was God I can imagine an awful lot. And it was as if I heard a voice say "would you have ever imagined being back in school?"
No. Not in a million years. Ever. School was at the bottom of the pile as far as plans - I went a long time feeling that I'd done my time (so to speak), I had a BA - what more could I possibly need.
And truth be told, while I'd wanted to be in California for quite a few years before moving, I would have never imagined being in Los Angeles. I liked northern California (as I happily told anyone who would listen to me for a good 3 or 4 years).
But now...now I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I am happier than I've been in a very long time. I can quite honestly say that I love it here. That I love my life, for the most part, love where I am & even love school (most days). ;o)
Okay...so He is quite able to work beyond the all-too-human limits of my imagination...
If expectation was the goal for 2008 & granted it spilled right over into 2009, what is the goal for the rest of 2009 / 2010? Believe far beyond what I can imagine? Expect what is beyond my own expectations? Or perhaps simply just come to a peaceful place of belief.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
There was a time in my life when I read this passage every morning before I prayed - it was a time when I was very, very unhappy with a lot in my life & someone dear to me recommended that I read Psalm 5 daily.
At some time, I presume the beginning of 2008, I made a note near the top of that chapter in my Bible that says "2008 - expectation is the goal for this year." Have I learned to expect? I think so...my heart still feels what you might call "gun shy" about it on occasion, but yes I think I have learned a lot about expecting when it comes to God - to His love & to the way He cares for us.
So what's next?
We had a guest speaker at the church I go to a few weeks ago & her message focused on this verse in Ephesians that I must have read before because I know I've read the book of Ephesians, but I somehow missed it - or missed the point of it because as she spoke about it...it was like a "wait...what? that's in there? that's not just something everyone tells you because it sounds nice???"
The verse is Ephesians 3:20-21 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (emphasis added by me - obviously)
This morning as I was re-reading these verses I couldn't help but think really? Beyond what I could ask? Beyond what I could imagine? At first I thought the issues I'd had with expecting were circling overhead planning to come back to bother me. So I started to pray about this verse specifically.
I've never lacked ability in the imagining department - ask any of my relatives who had to listen to the elaborate stories I would make up and tell them. I consider imagination to be one of our most valuable resources as humans. So as I began to pray all I could say at first was God I can imagine an awful lot. And it was as if I heard a voice say "would you have ever imagined being back in school?"
No. Not in a million years. Ever. School was at the bottom of the pile as far as plans - I went a long time feeling that I'd done my time (so to speak), I had a BA - what more could I possibly need.
And truth be told, while I'd wanted to be in California for quite a few years before moving, I would have never imagined being in Los Angeles. I liked northern California (as I happily told anyone who would listen to me for a good 3 or 4 years).
But now...now I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I am happier than I've been in a very long time. I can quite honestly say that I love it here. That I love my life, for the most part, love where I am & even love school (most days). ;o)
Okay...so He is quite able to work beyond the all-too-human limits of my imagination...
If expectation was the goal for 2008 & granted it spilled right over into 2009, what is the goal for the rest of 2009 / 2010? Believe far beyond what I can imagine? Expect what is beyond my own expectations? Or perhaps simply just come to a peaceful place of belief.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
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