Thoughts on the Joy of a Simple Red Cup

I normally try to avoid weighing in on these topics in any sort of public forum, but the "controversy" over the newly designed red cups at Starbucks has pushed me over the edge.

I am a Christian and I am a Starbucks fanatic.  If you know me at all, you already know both of these things.  So imagine my utter disgust when I checked my Facebook feed over the weekend and saw the story about a guy (a pastor no less) who posted a video that has gone viral declaring war on my favorite coffee shop because they "hate" Jesus.

WHAT?

Admittedly, I did not watch the video.  I fully expected it to die out.  Yeah, I don't know why I expected that either.

So now that my fiery annoyance has waned a bit, I feel... Sad.  Yeah.  Sad.

Silly?

Here's what saddens me.  I love Christmas.  No, I LOVE Christmas.  Like I started listening to Christmas music about three days after Halloween and I am wondering how early I can put up my Christmas tree without being chastised by my loved ones.  I've always loved the feeling of the holiday season (spanning from Thanksgiving to New Years people - it encompasses three separate holidays - if you grump at me for using the word "holiday" we may not be able to recover).

I know it's horribly commercialized, but for most of my life I've honestly felt like the spirit of love for all mankind permeated this time of year and from the way I see my beliefs as a Christian, that's kind of the point.  Quite frankly in America, Christmas has become a holiday that's celebrated in a far more secular sense than what it's about from a Christian perspective and I understand some of the annoyance there in the sense that it doesn't need to be about what presents you get, but I don't think that has to be damaging.

And when I see people posting anti-Starbucks rants by misguided individuals who happen to share the same religion as me, it just makes me think "please, stop talking before the world thinks we're all like you."  I promise, we're not!

Actually because of my Christian beliefs, I believe that if we took the whole season and decided to treat everyone we encounter with love, compassion, understanding, respect and grace; then maybe, just maybe we would actually represent this Jesus that we know to the people around us.

So if you think Starbucks, or any other number of retailers who I'm sure will get blasted some time between now and December 25th, is persecuting you and your beliefs with their expression of celebration during this time, maybe the person declaring war on the real message of Christmas is you.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Provision

This is a blog I've been meaning to write for a long time, but I couldn't find the title until today.

Those who know me know that from Fall of 2013 to Fall of 2014 (almost a year to date) I was unemployed.  I was not surprised when the layoff came to me in 2013.  I'd known it was coming for some time.  What I didn't know then was what else was coming.

To make a long and somewhat depressing story short, the unemployment ran out and so did my savings.  I applied to countless jobs, went on a number of interviews including some that I thought went very well, but nothing turned up.  Temp agencies kept saying things to me like "Oh we can find you something, no problem."  Then there would be nothing.

I started to feel like a failure and I was so concerned about how to pay bills as I watched the numbers in my bank account dwindle.

My Mom, who is my biggest cheerleader, happened to be in a terrible financial situation at the same time and we struggled greatly during this time.

I'd been building my trust in God for a number of years.  Working on the kind of faith that was less about what specific church I went to and more about relying on Him, trusting Him.  Trust is a really hard thing.  Like crazy hard.  Especially if you're not all that good at it to begin with, but it's worth learning.

Anyway, as I spent more time in prayer, attempting to heed my Mom's advice to offer a sacrifice of praise throughout the situation I was in, even though I wasn't sure where the groceries were going to come from, something amazing started to happen.  Friends and family both at different times, and with no prompting, handed me money.  Some in the form of a gift and some in the form of a loan.  Gift cards for the grocery store or Target were such a welcome sight.

It was a hard situation to go through.  Some might call it a test.  All I know is that now I can look back on it and say that I learned something about faith and about trust during that time.  Trust doesn't mean you're happy all of the time or that you never lose you cool over a situation.  It means that in the midst of the tears, you can whisper "I trust you" and know in your heart that you actually mean it.

Just a thought.

Late Night Thoughts

Spoiler alert: Not the typical thing I post on here. :o)

I was reminded of something tonight as I sat in a packed theater watching Newsies — for work no less — I know.  Feel free to be jealous.  ;o)

If you know me at all, you know theater is my first love.  I blame the free reign of PBS in my house when I was young.  No, no I kid...kind of...  I grew up in an environment that naturally fostered a deep love of the arts as a whole.  My mom always encouraged my curiosity about many kinds of music, books, a nightmarishly large collection of crayons, markers, pencils, paints and paper, and my bent toward wanting to take dance over participating in sports any time it was an option.  But theater... Theater was different.

In theater I found a world where all of the normal rules that parents impose by parents on the entertainment we consume didn't seem to apply.  Especially with musicals.  Many of my favorites from high school handle dark subject matter, contain colorful language and all manner of what my niece would call "inappropriate" behavior in live performances. And I loved it.

Actually, my love of theater began when I was four or five and we went to see my cousin in various plays at her high school.  We saw The Sound of Music there and I was so enthralled by the performance that my mom rented the film for me to see.  I was 5.  My world was flipped upside down.  I didn't understand what happened in my five year old brain, but I knew I wanted to grow up and do "that".  My mom had no idea that The Sound of Music would be my gateway drug into a lifelong adoration of musical theater.

As an adult (which doesn't sound like the right way to refer to myself) "that" has taken on quite a different form from what I expected, but for me theater stands above all other art forms.  Every time I see a show, I feel like hold my breath for two to three hours and just absorb everything that's happening in front of me.  It's not just something I think is fun to do on a Saturday night, but something that I'm fiercely protective of and I don't know, as silly as it may sound, to me it's more like a noble calling than a chosen profession.

Tonight, I was reminded of that and I was thinking about how glad I am that this very strange path I've been traveling for the past 12 years has led me here.  There are many things I don't understand about the way life works, but tonight I am feeling grateful and I just wanted to share.

-Lisa

One last thought:  If you find yourself in a place where Newsies is touring, go see it!  It's amazing.

Thoughts on a Dark and Cloudy Friday Morning

Hello and a blessed Good Friday to you.

I've been thinking about my Good Friday blog since last Friday.  I've had a series of conversations with a variety of people in my life that have had me thinking about love.  Specifically the love that God has for us.  And by us I mean all of humanity.

A couple months ago I had a conversation with an acquaintance about faith and religion.  While the conversation was more in depth than this, the point that came out of it was, regardless of what they were raised to believe, this person did not want to identify as a Christian because "they're so judgmental."

And I get it.  I even agreed that this is a huge problem.  It's a conversation I've had many, many times with various people over the course of my adult life and I do most certainly believe that it is something Christians as a general whole need to work on.  Majorly.

John 13:34-35 (NIV) says "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

If we look at the way the church (again, general whole encompassing all denominations of Christianity) argues with one another, not to mention how we treat those outside of our faith, it's clear we are not known by how we love.  Instead we are known by what we were specifically told not to do, which is by how we judge those around us.  And it makes me sad.  Especially today.

In my life I have a varied group of beautiful souls who I am blessed to call my friends.  We all have different backgrounds, different political beliefs, different religious beliefs and we've all made many different choices in how we live our lives.  Sometimes I scroll through my Facebook feed and chuckle because I think "my goodness if I ever had all of these people in the same room together, I'd have to get them to sign an agreement not to discuss religion, politics or the world at large.  Fluffy bunny topics only.  Otherwise we'd have a huge fight."

I have friends who are very conservative who think I've gone to the dark, liberal side thanks to my favorite state, and friends who are very liberal who think that's an absolutely hilarious thought because I'm more conservative than they are.

What is my point?

Look at the people in your life.  Do you agree on everything?  Have all of the exact same beliefs about everything?  If you're at all like me, probably not.  Yet, could you possibly love them any less?

Okay, so if your answer is no, of course not, these are people you hold dear to you; then how could you treat a stranger, someone you've never met and therefore who has not had the chance to personally offend you in anyway, with judgement instead of love or simply kindness.

Yet we are all guilty of judging others based on the color of their skin, how they look, who they're with, what they say and what they believe, but that's not our job.

We, as Christians, were given the simplest commandments by Jesus.  In Mark 12:28-31 (NIV) says "One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating.  Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"  "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this:  love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these."

Love.  Selfless and perfect love is what Christ showed us on the cross on Good Friday.  And if I am to call myself a Christian and to believe that I must accept Christ as my savior, otherwise completely imperfect little me could not possibly hope to see God in heaven, then how can I — knowing my own imperfections — treat anyone else as if I am superior to them.

I have a really difficult time with the idea of, not just hating, but even showing dislike or disdain for someone because they're different from me.  Probably because I was a weird kid.  I loved to play on the swings and sing show tunes at the top of my voice during recess and I loved and chattered about watching PBS - specifically Sesame Street - and I started to fall deeply in love with Shakespeare by age six and I was ridiculed for it.  For just being myself.  And I have some really clear memories of trying to figure out what on earth I'd done to make these people I'd just met dislike me so much.

I don't know any perfect people.  I am certainly not one.  So, I really believe with all my heart that we have to stop casting shame and hate and judgment down on other people who are also not perfect, just like us.  It does no good.  And I do not believe you could act less like Christ.  I worry sometimes that we have become more like the crowd calling for Jesus to be crucified and less like His disciples, and it breaks my heart.

I know I will continue to be guilty of not treating those around me with love.  And it makes my heart sad.  But I pray daily for God's help in loving everyone I meet the way He loves me.

That's just what's on my mind this Good Friday morning, and I thought I'd share.

-Lisa

Trouble

     "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!  I have overcome the world." John 16:33

     I have been thinking about this verse a lot lately.  In this world you will have trouble.  I think most of my life when I've read this verse, I always thought of really big challenges in life.  Illness, maybe something tragic happening, big stuff...  Lately however, I've started thinking what if it's not just that at all?  What if trouble is also all the little things that drive us up the walls daily?  

     Have you ever found yourself trying to find a job or a soul mate or just trying to figure out what to do with your life and wondering why (at least some days) everything seems to be so difficult?  Like why can't you have a day, a week, a month or a year that just runs smoothly?  Or maybe you have had periods of time where it just felt like all the stars aligned and you're just trying to figure out how to get that back; and for the life of you, you can't figure out what you were doing differently at that time.    You only know you can't seem to duplicate it now.  

     But what if it's all these little things - repeatedly dealing with rejection in one form or another, struggling financially, always feeling like you're trying to get ahead - that are the "trouble" Jesus was speaking about in that verse?  That means all those irritants are always going to be around.  You may be thinking "Well that just sucks.  Where's the upside in that?"  And you'd be right it does suck.  But what He says next it what gives me hope - But take heart!  I have overcome the world.

     If you believe what The Old Testament says, then you believe mankind blew their chance at Heaven on earth when Adam and Eve were in the Garden.  If you look at it from that angle, we had a world without trouble and we gave it up.  So yes, trouble is an inevitable part of daily life.  But what Christ overcoming the world means is that our troubled state of living will not last forever - it is only temporary.  

     The way I am trying to look at that these days is all the stuff that drives me nuts (see the aforementioned attempts to get a career off the ground and find a soul mate) are always going to drive me a little nuts in one form or another.  All of the things I place so much importance on - particularly job stuff - aren't really going to matter in the long run.  The relationships we form with people, the way we treat each other, how we help one another, how we love each other the was Jesus loved us...those are the things that will echo through eternity.  So maybe that's where I should strive to shift my focus more instead of zeroing in on all the little things that make me feel like I'm losing it.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

New Day

October has long been my second favorite month (after April), but this one is off to a bit of a different start as I find myself in a time of transition.

I was laid off from my job last month and thus far, while I've had some strong leads, I haven't discovered that next step in my career.  However, I have been surprised by the level of ... relief I have experienced in the past few weeks.  Every human fiber of my being has known this is a very odd reaction to losing my main source of income, but my spirit, for the most part, has remained still.

This morning I opened my devotional and found the message to the left.  I strive to have the kind of response to obstacles that the message describes, frequently falling short, but I think maybe, just maybe this could explain the stillness in my spirit.  It's having that sense of peace that defies all logic so that you know it has to come from God.

Let me tell you what that peace does not look like.  It does not look like someone who never feels overwhelmed, who is always smiling and happy or someone who never cries.  There may be people who are able to pull that off, but I am not one of them.  I believe God created us to feel and while we must take responsibility for our emotions and for the reactions we allow to stem from those, I cannot imagine He ever intended us to bottle them up and pretend to be happy.

I don't know about you, but I tend to be somewhat suspicious of people who are always smiley and happy.  Maybe that's the cynicism of my generation talking, but rarely have I encountered someone who is that way and simply seems at peace (and there's a big difference in someone who has joy and peace and someone who is wearing a happy mask).

At least in my life, peace that passes all understanding, frequently looks more like calm, still waters.  It's almost more of a vibe you can feel coming off of someone than a certain way they present themselves.  Also, it looks like optimism.  For me, choosing to see this closed door as an opportunity rather than an obstacle reaffirms that sense of peace.

Peace that comes from God does not void out all of the problems in your life.  Instead it alters the way you react to them.  While I believe that human reaction to panic or be upset is still there, I also believe those moments shortened the more we pause, take a deep breath and whisper "I trust you Jesus".  Eventually, "I trust you" will replace that knee-jerk reaction of panic in our minds.  And with that comes peace.

So, where does the road ahead lead?  I have no idea.  But I'm kind of excited to see what the coming days bring.  I would have never imagined myself in the place I've been the past two years, but it's been a major learning experience and that is never a bad thing.

Just a thought...

-Lisa

Let it Go

There are some days when you get up and in the deepest part of your being you know it's going to be a rough one.  You have no idea what lies ahead of you, but something in your spirit is telling you to pause and consider calling in.  Every time I ignore that tug, I regret it.  So you would think by now I would have learned not to ignore it.

But sometimes the real challenge in that moment (I believe) is to acknowledge that urging and to step forward into your day anyway.

Now because of my personal beliefs, I feel it is in the midst of that uneasy feeling that God is whispering "Trust me.  I will not let you go."

As human beings it can be really easy in those moments when everything starts to go down hill at top speed, to beat ourselves up.

"Why didn't I stay home?"  "How could I have made such a stupid mistake?" "Why can't I seem to get it together?"  "What did I ever do to land myself here?"  Because nothing is going "the way that it's supposed to."

But we live in a broken world.  One that will never be perfect, no matter how hard we push for what's "supposed" to be.  That ended with Adam & Eve in the Garden and until the end of time as we know it, this is the struggle we will face.

I think about it a lot actually.  How we so easily get caught up in the way we know things should be.  And I believe there's a very good reason for that.  I think the way it was "supposed to be" is encoded in our DNA and if it wasn't, we might not understand the truth of our imperfection.  For we are imperfect creatures.

But we are also beautiful to God - even with our imperfections - so much so that He gave us Jesus.  The ultimate example of grace (getting what we do not deserve) and mercy (not getting what we do deserve).  And we are supposed to strive to be like Him.  To love like Him.

Which is of course impossible for us to ever reach that while we are in this flesh.  But it does not mean we don't try.  Because we should try to love like Him.

But back to "supposed to"...

In my own life I am at least three different kinds of NOT where I am "supposed to be".  And it drives me crazy.  I hate it.  In part because I spend a lot of time and energy futilely trying to fix it quickly.  But I am learning...

In the last three months I have begun to slow down.  To breathe in the space I am in.  And to attempt to move at a reasonable pace to where I would like to be.  Sometimes the only road ahead takes us back to a place where we don't want to be.  A place that feels like a step backwards.  But (at least in my case) once I stopped for a minute and considered that it's not a step backwards because it's not exactly the same.  I am not the same.

And that is important because it is a step toward understanding how to let go of "supposed to" and to move on to what "is".  Which lends value to the world around us; helps us appreciate the blessings in our lives today.  And that is a very good thing.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Message Received

I visited church with a friend this morning and heard something I so needed to hear, but didn't realize it.  The sermon was on the story of Peter stepping out of the boat and walking on the water with Jesus (that's an enormous paraphrase by the way - see Matt. Ch. 15 vs 22-33).

Anyway...the pastor was talking about how in life so many times people stay in the boat so to speak, but how some people actually take a chance and step out on faith and get out of the boat - no matter what the result may be.  Then he said that just by stepping out of the boat to begin with, we alter our future.

That caught my attention.  I love the story about Peter walking on the water to Jesus and it came to mean more to me when I first moved out to Los Angeles.  But after moving back to Texas...to make a long story short, I've struggled a lot with feeling like I took a leap of faith only to end up right back where I was to begin with, which is a place I couldn't stand to begin with (to be frank - and why mince words at this point?).

I never stopped to consider that, even if I can't see it right now, my future is not what it would have been had I not gone to California.  I knew I was different, that I'd come into my own if nothing else, but I don't think I'd considered that the future I would like to see is still possible.  And how I needed so much to hear that all was not lost.

It's interesting the way that God can prompt us to go somewhere, visit someone, or even check out a church at the exact moment when we're going to hear the sort of reassurance our soul is longing for the most.

The other thing this morning got me to thinking about is taking risks...

Sometimes we are called upon to look at our life - maybe a specific situation or just in general - and assess what (& occasionally who) we have in our life and if the "what" or "who" fits with who we want to be - or maybe more specifically who you know deep in your soul that you are despite your current situation.

Perhaps sometimes we are not simply called to step out of the boat.  Perhaps we are called to jump ship when it's really a choice of thriving or drowning.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Something Beautiful

I've experienced a kind of re-birth of hope lately.  And one that I have to believe has come from God because all of the outside signs point to the exact opposite.

My favorite verse is one that I've leaned on a lot over the past couple of years especially - Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."  Perhaps it's learning to lean on that trust that actually has helped with the peace I have.

But there's another verse I love - Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..." and this verse has simultaneously given me peace and made me furrow my brow more than once.

The first time I heard this verse, or rather the first time it registered with me what it really said all I could think was really God? cause I can imagine an awful lot.  And I have admittedly had moments particularly over the last couple of years where that question changed to are you really sure? cause I'm not sure what to imagine anymore.

But lately, somehow, things have shifted and I have what I can only describe as a sense of possibility again. And that is beautiful.

Perhaps God brings us down rocky paths knowing we're going to ask those questions and knowing also that if we hang onto Him, we'll arrive at a place where peace comes from the one thing we need most at that time.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Just a Feeling

I was driving home tonight switching between the iPod and the radio and I heard this song...

I've heard it a couple of times and it always gets me - to the extent that I frequently switch the station when it's on, but I like the song...

Over the past few years, off and on, I've had this feeling that was hard to define and incredibly hard to shake at the same time. As a Christian I felt confused by it because if I was truly a believer, could I be feeling like this? So to have had the radio on a Christian station and run across this song - for me anyway - answered that yes, absolutely you can feel like this. Everyone feels like this sometimes.

Whether it's just life, a specific set of circumstances, or a series of events that all came too quickly together I'm fairly certain we've all felt this way. Tired. Invisible. Lost. Alone.

I can say with almost absolute certainty that most of the people I know - regardless of what they think or believe - have felt this way. And knowing that it's okay (even as a Christian in my case) to admit that I've felt like this somehow provides a release. It's like being heard.

If you're feeling this way now. Or if you've felt this way before. I hope these words bless your life exactly where you are.

The song is "Someone Worth Dying For" by MIKESCHAIR.

-Lisa

SOMEONE WORTH DYING FOR
Artist: MIKESCHAIR.
Album: A Beautiful Life

You might be the wife waiting up at night
You might be the man struggling to provide
Feeling like it’s hopeless

Maybe you’re the son who chose a broken road
Maybe you’re the girl thinking you’ll end up alone
Praying “God, can you hear me?
Oh God, are you listening?”

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I’m not just some wandering soul
That you don’t see and you don’t know
Yeah, I wanna believe,
Jesus, help me believe that
I am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you’re the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep askin’, oh, what everybody’s askin’

Chorus

You’re worth it, you can’t earn it
Yeah, the cross has proven
That you’re sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can’t you see you’re something beautiful
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see that
You’re not just some wandering soul
That can’t be seen and can’t be known
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that
You are someone worth dying for
You’re someone worth dying for
You’re someone worth dying for

10 Years

This evening I was watching TV and I was watching a show that was a look back at the Cosby Show - totally flashing back to my childhood. After it a show called When Pop Culture Saved America - about the work of the entertainment industry in the aftermath of 9/11. And I was struck with a mini-realization that perhaps (sometimes) the future I long for in my head...my "someday" if you will...is really the world "before" as opposed to the "after" world in which we live.

Ten years ago I was in undergrad at UNT and I was sitting in my apartment with my cousin Susan trying to wrap my brain around what had happened. The strangest thing to me that week was how it seemed life was supposed to go on. But it did.

At the time I thought the world was ending and I couldn't imagine a year from that day - much less 10 years from that day.

On this, the 10 year mark, I find that my thoughts are heavy with the weight of how the families who lost loved ones are doing this day. How life has inevitably gone on for them, but how also they must still ache for those they lost. And my prayers are with them.

Love & Peace

-Lisa

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of Lent. Possibly strangely, Lent has always been a season in the church year that I love.

Yes, yes I know it doesn't come with the impending festivities of Advent & Christmas. And many people give up something they love (or really, really like) for Lent as a symbol of sacrifice. So I'm sure you're thinking - what's to love about it?

I think there's something to be said for reflection.

As a Christian I try my best to use this time to reflect on not so much what I do that's wrong as some might suspect, but where my relationship with God is at this stage of my life. Because I think more than being a "church-every-Sunday" Christian or being in a state of constant worry / self-loathing over anything I do that might be or might appear wrong (what exactly does that actually accomplish?), I believe having a relationship - an ongoing dialogue with God is the most important key to my faith.

In church tonight, my pastor talked about how there are times in life when we have to walk forward on the path we're on alone. We might have people praying for us or encouraging us or loving us, but we still have to face whatever is ahead on our own. He talked about the passage in Mark 10:32-34 where Jesus is basically talking about his own death. And how he faced that alone.

His sermon made me think about the last 8 months. I've been somewhat annoyingly more reflective about death since my grandmother died. Far from being the first person I'd lost in my life, but she was the first person I ever watched die. Slowly. I am not the first person to experience this and I will certainly not be the last. But watching her change, struggle, hurt and finally let go made me think of Psalm 23 - specifically the verse that says "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." As a child I thought nothing about this verse really - well truth be told I felt it was metaphorical. Ya know, like when you're going through anything bad in life. Anything alone.

And it might be - probably is. But after watching her I feel like I now know what the valley of the shadow of death looks like and that it is perhaps something more than a metaphor.

For anyone unfamiliar with the typical proceedings of an Ash Wednesday service, at some point (frequently the end) there is a time when you're invited to come up to the front and have ashes placed on your forehead in the shape of a cross.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. A reminder of how frail and fleeting this life can be. Also a reference to the sackcloth & ashes idea, which is what everyone seems to focus on, but for me - particularly this year it - it is about how quickly life can pass.

Reflection, does not have to be a bad thing. It's not all darkness and self-loathing (or it shouldn't be!) Reflection can simply be taking a moment to stop; to take in what is around you; to breathe; to be quiet; to be still.

And who doesn't need to take the time to do that these days?

Just a thought.

-Lisa

When Tweets Make You Think

I follow a lot of people on Twitter. Some I know & some I don't - and a lot of them to keep up with what's happening in the industry. Still there are some people who I've just grown to love what they have to say.

Pauley Perrette, who plays Abby on the CBS show NCIS (very good show!), is someone I just started following on Twitter and she shared something really interesting yesterday. One of her tweets said "At church we wrote what we want to be forgiven for or who we need to forgive We all pray over cards. Forgiveness: God's best Gift." I immediately thought that was such a cool concept and it made me think a lot about forgiveness.

I know from my own experiences that forgiveness is not a quick process. Sometimes it takes years to really complete the process. I think so often we think forgiveness is a one step action. But I think it's a process that begins with you first being willing to start to let go of something that happened in spite of the fact that it hurt you. That's tough. It just is. And I think it's okay that it's tough.

But I also think it's vital to not only having a more peaceful world, but to having peace within yourself. I know growing up in church I was taught that we were to forgive the way God forgives us. Well....God is perfect so He (I believe) can complete the forgiveness process instantly. Humans are not so good at that - of course I wasn't taught that part - just that you're supposed to forgive. I thought it was a quick thing.

The other thing church didn't teach me (but thankfully my Mom did) was that forgiveness isn't really for the other person - it's for you. Allowing anger, resentment or bitterness to live within your spirit / heart / body can make you really sick - mentally, spiritually and physically. And it can suppress the light within you keeping you from radiating joy or love.

Forgiveness really frees you to open yourself up to love & peace & joy. It allows you to say you yes someone hurt you, but you are strong enough to move beyond that hurt and love them anyway. I loved the idea that Pauley tweeted about praying over the cards because I think it's really hard to stay bitter or angry toward someone when you pray for them.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

*Check out http://twitter.com/PauleyP to see Pauley Perrette's Twitter.

Strength & Weakness

The past few days I've been filled with a kind of anxiety that I can't really explain to anyone, but it's waking me up in the middle of the night with a jolt.

It's not about the job thing - rather the lack of a job thing - for better or worse, I feel really peaceful about that actually. I think I know this source. You see roughly 1,500 miles from me, my grandmother is having some pretty serious health stuff going on, scary stuff. And we are not sure what's going to happen.

My grandmother and I are very close. Growing up it was just her, me, & my Mom She taught me to ride a bike and later how to drive a car - her car, which to be fair was really more like a small boat than an actual car. She taught me the song "I love you, a bushell and a peck, a bushell and a peck and a hug around the neck..." Sometimes we'd butt heads, but I knew she'd always be there for me when I needed her - even if I just needed a hug.

So, being this far away & knowing how much she's hurting I've been facing a lot of feelings over the past few days that I would rather leaved shoved in the back of a dark corner somewhere. Anxiety. Or so I thought until this morning.

This morning as I was getting my first cup of coffee and checking messages / Facebook / Twitter on my BlackBerry, I saw a tweet one of my friends posted (@azureantoinette - follow her, she's great) she tweeted a Bible verse this morning. 2nd Corithians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (according to the NIV translation I have). The rest of the passage goes on to say "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I really needed to read that this morning. And I had no idea. I think it is weakness and not anxiety that I've been feeling after all. Being in LA with my mom and grandmother in Texas, while she is so sick and being told not to fly home, it's okay; wait to see what the doctor says; wait to see if they admit her to the hospital; wait; wait; wait - I found myself literally walking the floor of my apartment last night waiting for an update, a phone call, a text message - something.

I don't do well with waiting. I'm a planner and something of a fixer - if there's an issue I (generally) believe in analyzing it and taking some course of action. But that isn't always possible. And that can leave a person feeling helpless.

A friend and I went to the movies today; and I ran a couple of errands after that - errands relating to the possibility of flying home at a moments notice. And I realized, as I told my friend, on some "Murphy's Law" level I was doing all of this - all my planning because if I'm prepared, then nothing will happen.

And nothing can happen yet because ... I don't know how to make her banana pudding or chicken and dumplings the way she makes them, which is the only way I like them. And I don't remember all of the stuff she's told me my whole life that I have to remember if anything happens to her. And I know there is at least one story left that I don't know - that only she can tell me. So you see, she just has to be okay.

So at this moment, I am weak. And that I need strength that could only come from God. Because I know I can't fix it. I can't make everything all better. I can't make whatever time I am blessed to have with her last a lifetime. And I know a lifetime would not be long enough.

Have you ever read the poem "Footprints?" It may be "Footprints in the Sand", I'm not sure to tell you the truth. The gist of the story is that a man looked back on his life and saw 2 sets of footprints throughout it - one belonged to him and on to God. And yet several times - time he identified as being of great hardship in his life - there was only one set. He got very upset with God and asked why God would leave him in those moments. God explains, of course, that He did not leave, but was simply carrying the man.

As a child I always wondered what those times were. I imagined them to be of great disaster. But, at the moment I wonder if they weren't times that were like what I'm feeling now. Because I assure you I am having more moments per day where I feel less of the 29 year old that I am and more like the 5 year old little girl that I was the first time I remember my grandmother being sick and us having to take her to the hospital. I remember setting in the hallway outside her room with my cousin who's older than me while our moms were inside the room with her. And being aware enough to know my mom and my aunt were scared. And feeling something then in that moment I didn't know how to identify. Maybe it was weak.

-Lisa

Summer of Love Pt. 1

This summer (so far) has been an interesting journey for me. Mostly spiritual & emotional at this point. And it's all revolved around love in one way or another.


Actually, I can't seem to get away from the topic. When the summer started I wanted to use part of it as a sort of spiritual retreat to (as I told one friend) re-ground myself spiritually. For me this meant getting back into the habit of daily quiet time and prayer...and beginning to do some work on my heart that's needed to be done for a long time.


Allowing God to work on your heart is a wonderful and terribly frightening journey. It involves facing issues like trust and belief and well...love. Not to mention going over things from your past you thought were buried years ago. Nope! If you begin to open up your heart for healing when it's been wounded you'll find the mending process to involve its own amount of pain. But, it's worth it.


At the start of summer I began this journey by reading (a.k.a. crying my way through) two books. Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge and Do You Think I'm Beautiful by Angela Thomas. They are both incredible and worth the reading. (And I'm not sure that everyone cries their way through the way I did - I'm fairly certain the journey is different for each person).


In reading these books, I had some major revelations about myself and things in my life that I thought I'd dealt with quite well. I realized something kind of interesting that I thought of again this morning as I sat in church.


Today was the start of a new sermon series at the church I go to (Oasis Christian Center) called Roommates, Bad Dates, & Great Mates (I told you, I can't escape the subject of love). Anyway, as Pastor Phillip was talking about how God loves us; how God never leaves us; and how in those moments when we think He's disappeared, all we have to do is turn around a look and He's there, I started thinking.


When I was young, and attending a private Lutheran school, we were told similar things - like that Jesus was always with us. My school life was not the happiest thing - that's actually putting it quite mildly - and I can remember in first or second grade sitting at my desk and picturing Jesus being beside me, because if he was beside me, then I wasn't really alone. Somewhere along the path to life that image got lost in the weight of feeling all alone for a long time.


But what actually strikes me about it is I had no problem imagining Jesus always being with me. He was cool, amazing, and very clearly (from what I was learning at school and in church - and later on my own) loving. He epitomized selfless love.

In rather sharp contrast to that, the idea of God, the Father, always being there...that I had a harder time with, but I didn't know how to express that. I just knew from the time I was very young until adulthood whenever someone would try to encourage me to not be sad about my lack of an "earthly" father in my life because I had such a wonderful "heavenly" Father, I would get very angry. It became like an instantaneous button for me. Angry and then sad and kinda hurt.


It wasn't until high school that I began to look at God like a "parent". I had a parent - a wonderful mother - so I could handle that label. And I liked it. And it allowed me to grow closer to Him and to be open to that. But somewhere in the midst of early adulthood, all those issues with "father" came creeping back.


As an adult, I realized what caused such terrible feelings in me when very well-meaning people tried to explain the idea of God as a father to me. The word "father" didn't mean anything to me. And when I say that, I mean it was really and truly devoid of meaning; empty. I had nothing - no expectations - to attach to that word, so I had never learned how to view God as a Father who loves & provides for His children because I had no reality to put with that.


This is something I've been working out over the last couple of years actually. Slowly learning to trust. Learning to let go. Learning to believe I do know His voice (and no I don't mean that in a little voices in your head kind of way / call the men in the white coats kind of way). Some things are very difficult to express in writing actually...


I still have a lot to learn. But I know an awfully large number of girls, like me, who had their hearts broken by either an absent father or one who showed them nothing resembling love. And who, also like me, haven't found peace with letting God father them. It really is a great thing I gotta tell ya. Seriously. But it's a process. A huge process. One that involves letting go of a lot. And trusting. Trusting is a whole other blog. Oy.

Tonight however I have two things I'm pondering. The first is 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 which is "...If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

The second is (shorter!) Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord."

Think about that. Love as described in 1 Corinthians is (I believe) described in its perfect state - in the way that God loves us and how we should strive to love one another. It's an amazing, powerful love. And then the idea that nothing can separate us from God's love - His perfect love. Nothing we do. Not the way other people see us or have treated us or made us feel. He loves us. Period.

And granted that is why He shows us both grace and mercy. And within His grace we are called to belong to Him, to be His children. No matter how we got here, or how either of our parents treated us (either - if you have mom issues or dad issues or neither), or how friends, boy/girlfriends, lovers, husbands, wives, exes, family, etc. have made us feel - He loves us just the way we are.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Currently Listening to the Soundtrack to Memoirs of a Geisha