This evening I was watching TV and I was watching a show that was a look back at the Cosby Show - totally flashing back to my childhood. After it a show called When Pop Culture Saved America - about the work of the entertainment industry in the aftermath of 9/11. And I was struck with a mini-realization that perhaps (sometimes) the future I long for in my head...my "someday" if you will...is really the world "before" as opposed to the "after" world in which we live.
Ten years ago I was in undergrad at UNT and I was sitting in my apartment with my cousin Susan trying to wrap my brain around what had happened. The strangest thing to me that week was how it seemed life was supposed to go on. But it did.
At the time I thought the world was ending and I couldn't imagine a year from that day - much less 10 years from that day.
On this, the 10 year mark, I find that my thoughts are heavy with the weight of how the families who lost loved ones are doing this day. How life has inevitably gone on for them, but how also they must still ache for those they lost. And my prayers are with them.
Love & Peace
-Lisa
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Ash Wednesday
Today is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of Lent. Possibly strangely, Lent has always been a season in the church year that I love.
Yes, yes I know it doesn't come with the impending festivities of Advent & Christmas. And many people give up something they love (or really, really like) for Lent as a symbol of sacrifice. So I'm sure you're thinking - what's to love about it?
I think there's something to be said for reflection.
As a Christian I try my best to use this time to reflect on not so much what I do that's wrong as some might suspect, but where my relationship with God is at this stage of my life. Because I think more than being a "church-every-Sunday" Christian or being in a state of constant worry / self-loathing over anything I do that might be or might appear wrong (what exactly does that actually accomplish?), I believe having a relationship - an ongoing dialogue with God is the most important key to my faith.
In church tonight, my pastor talked about how there are times in life when we have to walk forward on the path we're on alone. We might have people praying for us or encouraging us or loving us, but we still have to face whatever is ahead on our own. He talked about the passage in Mark 10:32-34 where Jesus is basically talking about his own death. And how he faced that alone.
His sermon made me think about the last 8 months. I've been somewhat annoyingly more reflective about death since my grandmother died. Far from being the first person I'd lost in my life, but she was the first person I ever watched die. Slowly. I am not the first person to experience this and I will certainly not be the last. But watching her change, struggle, hurt and finally let go made me think of Psalm 23 - specifically the verse that says "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." As a child I thought nothing about this verse really - well truth be told I felt it was metaphorical. Ya know, like when you're going through anything bad in life. Anything alone.
And it might be - probably is. But after watching her I feel like I now know what the valley of the shadow of death looks like and that it is perhaps something more than a metaphor.
For anyone unfamiliar with the typical proceedings of an Ash Wednesday service, at some point (frequently the end) there is a time when you're invited to come up to the front and have ashes placed on your forehead in the shape of a cross.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. A reminder of how frail and fleeting this life can be. Also a reference to the sackcloth & ashes idea, which is what everyone seems to focus on, but for me - particularly this year it - it is about how quickly life can pass.
Reflection, does not have to be a bad thing. It's not all darkness and self-loathing (or it shouldn't be!) Reflection can simply be taking a moment to stop; to take in what is around you; to breathe; to be quiet; to be still.
And who doesn't need to take the time to do that these days?
Just a thought.
-Lisa
Yes, yes I know it doesn't come with the impending festivities of Advent & Christmas. And many people give up something they love (or really, really like) for Lent as a symbol of sacrifice. So I'm sure you're thinking - what's to love about it?
I think there's something to be said for reflection.
As a Christian I try my best to use this time to reflect on not so much what I do that's wrong as some might suspect, but where my relationship with God is at this stage of my life. Because I think more than being a "church-every-Sunday" Christian or being in a state of constant worry / self-loathing over anything I do that might be or might appear wrong (what exactly does that actually accomplish?), I believe having a relationship - an ongoing dialogue with God is the most important key to my faith.
In church tonight, my pastor talked about how there are times in life when we have to walk forward on the path we're on alone. We might have people praying for us or encouraging us or loving us, but we still have to face whatever is ahead on our own. He talked about the passage in Mark 10:32-34 where Jesus is basically talking about his own death. And how he faced that alone.
His sermon made me think about the last 8 months. I've been somewhat annoyingly more reflective about death since my grandmother died. Far from being the first person I'd lost in my life, but she was the first person I ever watched die. Slowly. I am not the first person to experience this and I will certainly not be the last. But watching her change, struggle, hurt and finally let go made me think of Psalm 23 - specifically the verse that says "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." As a child I thought nothing about this verse really - well truth be told I felt it was metaphorical. Ya know, like when you're going through anything bad in life. Anything alone.
And it might be - probably is. But after watching her I feel like I now know what the valley of the shadow of death looks like and that it is perhaps something more than a metaphor.
For anyone unfamiliar with the typical proceedings of an Ash Wednesday service, at some point (frequently the end) there is a time when you're invited to come up to the front and have ashes placed on your forehead in the shape of a cross.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. A reminder of how frail and fleeting this life can be. Also a reference to the sackcloth & ashes idea, which is what everyone seems to focus on, but for me - particularly this year it - it is about how quickly life can pass.
Reflection, does not have to be a bad thing. It's not all darkness and self-loathing (or it shouldn't be!) Reflection can simply be taking a moment to stop; to take in what is around you; to breathe; to be quiet; to be still.
And who doesn't need to take the time to do that these days?
Just a thought.
-Lisa
Monday, January 10, 2011
When Tweets Make You Think
I follow a lot of people on Twitter. Some I know & some I don't - and a lot of them to keep up with what's happening in the industry. Still there are some people who I've just grown to love what they have to say.
Pauley Perrette, who plays Abby on the CBS show NCIS (very good show!), is someone I just started following on Twitter and she shared something really interesting yesterday. One of her tweets said "At church we wrote what we want to be forgiven for or who we need to forgive We all pray over cards. Forgiveness: God's best Gift." I immediately thought that was such a cool concept and it made me think a lot about forgiveness.
I know from my own experiences that forgiveness is not a quick process. Sometimes it takes years to really complete the process. I think so often we think forgiveness is a one step action. But I think it's a process that begins with you first being willing to start to let go of something that happened in spite of the fact that it hurt you. That's tough. It just is. And I think it's okay that it's tough.
But I also think it's vital to not only having a more peaceful world, but to having peace within yourself. I know growing up in church I was taught that we were to forgive the way God forgives us. Well....God is perfect so He (I believe) can complete the forgiveness process instantly. Humans are not so good at that - of course I wasn't taught that part - just that you're supposed to forgive. I thought it was a quick thing.
The other thing church didn't teach me (but thankfully my Mom did) was that forgiveness isn't really for the other person - it's for you. Allowing anger, resentment or bitterness to live within your spirit / heart / body can make you really sick - mentally, spiritually and physically. And it can suppress the light within you keeping you from radiating joy or love.
Forgiveness really frees you to open yourself up to love & peace & joy. It allows you to say you yes someone hurt you, but you are strong enough to move beyond that hurt and love them anyway. I loved the idea that Pauley tweeted about praying over the cards because I think it's really hard to stay bitter or angry toward someone when you pray for them.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
*Check out http://twitter.com/PauleyP to see Pauley Perrette's Twitter.
Pauley Perrette, who plays Abby on the CBS show NCIS (very good show!), is someone I just started following on Twitter and she shared something really interesting yesterday. One of her tweets said "At church we wrote what we want to be forgiven for or who we need to forgive We all pray over cards. Forgiveness: God's best Gift." I immediately thought that was such a cool concept and it made me think a lot about forgiveness.
I know from my own experiences that forgiveness is not a quick process. Sometimes it takes years to really complete the process. I think so often we think forgiveness is a one step action. But I think it's a process that begins with you first being willing to start to let go of something that happened in spite of the fact that it hurt you. That's tough. It just is. And I think it's okay that it's tough.
But I also think it's vital to not only having a more peaceful world, but to having peace within yourself. I know growing up in church I was taught that we were to forgive the way God forgives us. Well....God is perfect so He (I believe) can complete the forgiveness process instantly. Humans are not so good at that - of course I wasn't taught that part - just that you're supposed to forgive. I thought it was a quick thing.
The other thing church didn't teach me (but thankfully my Mom did) was that forgiveness isn't really for the other person - it's for you. Allowing anger, resentment or bitterness to live within your spirit / heart / body can make you really sick - mentally, spiritually and physically. And it can suppress the light within you keeping you from radiating joy or love.
Forgiveness really frees you to open yourself up to love & peace & joy. It allows you to say you yes someone hurt you, but you are strong enough to move beyond that hurt and love them anyway. I loved the idea that Pauley tweeted about praying over the cards because I think it's really hard to stay bitter or angry toward someone when you pray for them.
Just a thought.
-Lisa
*Check out http://twitter.com/PauleyP to see Pauley Perrette's Twitter.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Brand New Morning
It's a new year. For the first time that I can remember, I'm really excited to be beginning a new year. The end of 2010 was all kinds of bad - dealing with the loss of my grandmother, my Mom being diagnosed with breast cancer & being unemployed.
Thank God as we begin 2011 Mom is cancer free and I've had a nice visit with her. I've finally been able to get in touch with actual people within the industry I want to work in to talk to them and learn more about getting a start in the business. And for better or worse, I have a real sense of possibility about the future.
It's funny how when you feel what I would describe as the loss of hope, your spiritual gas tank (so to speak) can be drained so fast. As Christmas rolled around this year I was just exhausted and really wanted to be lazy. So the week between Christmas and New Years, I was a little lazy. I played the Wii & board games with Mom. We watched movies and slept late. And somehow as we counted down to the final seconds of 2010 I felt an almost overwhelming excitement building up inside of me that stayed through to the next morning.
Somehow on New Years day the world just looked a little brighter. I realized my spiritual tank had been refilled and I felt a renewal of hope. It's a good way to start a new year.
Just a thought.
Thank God as we begin 2011 Mom is cancer free and I've had a nice visit with her. I've finally been able to get in touch with actual people within the industry I want to work in to talk to them and learn more about getting a start in the business. And for better or worse, I have a real sense of possibility about the future.
It's funny how when you feel what I would describe as the loss of hope, your spiritual gas tank (so to speak) can be drained so fast. As Christmas rolled around this year I was just exhausted and really wanted to be lazy. So the week between Christmas and New Years, I was a little lazy. I played the Wii & board games with Mom. We watched movies and slept late. And somehow as we counted down to the final seconds of 2010 I felt an almost overwhelming excitement building up inside of me that stayed through to the next morning.
Somehow on New Years day the world just looked a little brighter. I realized my spiritual tank had been refilled and I felt a renewal of hope. It's a good way to start a new year.
Just a thought.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
"Brave"
This afternoon / evening, I went to a concert at the Orange County Performing Arts Center. I wrote a review of it here, but I wanted to add a personal note about it.
Assuming you haven't looked at the review, I went to see Idina Menzel in concert. Let me first say was awesome!!!! Of course I love her work in Rent, Wicked and her recent appearance on GLEE like everyone else. But I also have 3 solo albums of her. On the newest of those albums, I Stand, is a song called "Brave." The whole album, but this song in particular literally got me through the red eye I took home when my grandmother got sick. It became a particularly appropriate song when I received the letter she left for me after she died (she left letters for many of us specifically to be read when she was gone). In it - several times - she told me to be a brave girl.
So tonight I went fully prepared to have to deal with hearing this live and keeping myself composed. And I do listen to this song regularly - I just frequently cry when I hear it. However, as the concert was drawing near to the end I was beginning to guess that she wasn't going to perform "Brave" and I was kind of glad given that I figured fighting off tears would give me a headache & I've had quite a few of those lately.
What I was not prepared for was what she did with part of a song from Wicked. Now, Wicked is absolutely one of my most favorite musicals ever (although I have tragically never been able to see it live). I listen to the soundtrack almost weekly. If you are not familiar with the musical, there's a song near the end called "For Good" and it's a duet sung by Elphaba (aka the Wicked Witch) and Glinda (the Good Witch) at the end of the show...well you can probably guess what's going on at the end of the show... Anyway the chorus of the song says "I don't know if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good."
So, I love this and have for some time, but during my grandmother's illness it became particularly important to me. I listened to it all the time - often when I needed a good cry due to the emotional stress of the situation. It seemed so appropriate to me in part because I knew the experience I was in the midst of was changing me as a person. That when it was all over I would fly back to Los Angeles and be a different person in some way from the one who'd left what turned out to be two months earlier. But I didn't know what sort of change that would be or how to express it and listening to "For Good" seemed to somehow express exactly what my heart was feeling at the time.
It's been a little over 3 months since my grandmother left this world and of course I am still listening to Wicked, but for a while I skipped that song because I knew I just wasn't ready. In fact I only listened to it for the first time since then this past week & honestly that was by accident (or maybe divine intervention) because it was on before I realized it.
So tonight when she was performing, Idina did a really amazing thing actually - she sang one thing with no microphone and a silent (like hear-a-pin-drop silent) orchestra in this big theater and sounded incredible!!! And what she sang was part of "For Good." And it was so beautiful to hear her voice singing that song against the vast silence. And I was in no way prepared for that. Thankfully I didn't "lose it" but I did cry. Just a little. Because truthfully - for my heart - nothing could have been more perfect than to have those words against the kind of silence you can actually hear.
Just wanted to share. Oh! And as I said in my "review" of the concert, if you have a chance to go see her live - GO!!!!!
Assuming you haven't looked at the review, I went to see Idina Menzel in concert. Let me first say was awesome!!!! Of course I love her work in Rent, Wicked and her recent appearance on GLEE like everyone else. But I also have 3 solo albums of her. On the newest of those albums, I Stand, is a song called "Brave." The whole album, but this song in particular literally got me through the red eye I took home when my grandmother got sick. It became a particularly appropriate song when I received the letter she left for me after she died (she left letters for many of us specifically to be read when she was gone). In it - several times - she told me to be a brave girl.
So tonight I went fully prepared to have to deal with hearing this live and keeping myself composed. And I do listen to this song regularly - I just frequently cry when I hear it. However, as the concert was drawing near to the end I was beginning to guess that she wasn't going to perform "Brave" and I was kind of glad given that I figured fighting off tears would give me a headache & I've had quite a few of those lately.
What I was not prepared for was what she did with part of a song from Wicked. Now, Wicked is absolutely one of my most favorite musicals ever (although I have tragically never been able to see it live). I listen to the soundtrack almost weekly. If you are not familiar with the musical, there's a song near the end called "For Good" and it's a duet sung by Elphaba (aka the Wicked Witch) and Glinda (the Good Witch) at the end of the show...well you can probably guess what's going on at the end of the show... Anyway the chorus of the song says "I don't know if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good."
So, I love this and have for some time, but during my grandmother's illness it became particularly important to me. I listened to it all the time - often when I needed a good cry due to the emotional stress of the situation. It seemed so appropriate to me in part because I knew the experience I was in the midst of was changing me as a person. That when it was all over I would fly back to Los Angeles and be a different person in some way from the one who'd left what turned out to be two months earlier. But I didn't know what sort of change that would be or how to express it and listening to "For Good" seemed to somehow express exactly what my heart was feeling at the time.
It's been a little over 3 months since my grandmother left this world and of course I am still listening to Wicked, but for a while I skipped that song because I knew I just wasn't ready. In fact I only listened to it for the first time since then this past week & honestly that was by accident (or maybe divine intervention) because it was on before I realized it.
So tonight when she was performing, Idina did a really amazing thing actually - she sang one thing with no microphone and a silent (like hear-a-pin-drop silent) orchestra in this big theater and sounded incredible!!! And what she sang was part of "For Good." And it was so beautiful to hear her voice singing that song against the vast silence. And I was in no way prepared for that. Thankfully I didn't "lose it" but I did cry. Just a little. Because truthfully - for my heart - nothing could have been more perfect than to have those words against the kind of silence you can actually hear.
Just wanted to share. Oh! And as I said in my "review" of the concert, if you have a chance to go see her live - GO!!!!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Loss
It's been just over a month since my grandmother passed away. She's been on my mind a lot lately - as has the entire concept of losing someone you love. She was very much like my second parent since it was always just the three of us (me, my mom & my grandmother).
Loss of this kind is different from anything I've experienced. It is deeper disrupting my sleep by keeping my spirit in a state of undefinable unrest. Yet it also sneaks up on me when I least expect it. When I'm enjoying a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning or trying on pretty dresses for an event later this week.
In a funny way she is always with me, but also so painfully far away. Sometimes it bothers me that I cannot simply drive to the cemetery and visit her (so to speak).
Everyone tells me it will simply take time and that I have to be patient with myself giving my spirit the time it needs to heal, allowing it to hurt when it does and to feel joy in other moments too. All without any extra thought.
Why am I sharing this on my blog? Well, loss is something everyone experiences sometime in their lives and it can be a strange and often lonely road to walk down. Sometimes it's just good to know you're not alone.
-Lisa
Loss of this kind is different from anything I've experienced. It is deeper disrupting my sleep by keeping my spirit in a state of undefinable unrest. Yet it also sneaks up on me when I least expect it. When I'm enjoying a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning or trying on pretty dresses for an event later this week.
In a funny way she is always with me, but also so painfully far away. Sometimes it bothers me that I cannot simply drive to the cemetery and visit her (so to speak).
Everyone tells me it will simply take time and that I have to be patient with myself giving my spirit the time it needs to heal, allowing it to hurt when it does and to feel joy in other moments too. All without any extra thought.
Why am I sharing this on my blog? Well, loss is something everyone experiences sometime in their lives and it can be a strange and often lonely road to walk down. Sometimes it's just good to know you're not alone.
-Lisa
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Back at Home
I've been back in LA for just over a week now. It's good to be home. I'm back to the job hunt - like many other people in America (not to mention specifically here) - and I find it can be a bit...well...depressing to say the least.
So for anyone who reads this and who is also on the hunt for a job, I thought I'd share a few things I've found helpful:
1) Make an actual planned out schedule just like you'd have if you were working. This is something I just started and I must say it makes a world of difference. For me it helped to actually lay out set times for job hunting, answering emails and looking at freelance stuff online.
2) Remember to hang out with your friends. You know how during a long day at work you begin to mentally plan an outing with your friends? Do that. Make sure you still see / hang out with your friends at different times throughout the week when you can. It'll lift your spirits.
3) Remember the small stuff can make you happy. Go for a hike or to the beach (if you're near one). Take time for a relaxing cup of coffee / tea or to read a good book or watching a movie are all fun, free (mostly) activities that can take you away from the stress of your search.
4) Consider that we're all in a tight spot right now & lots of people are applying for jobs. While that may sound more stressful, it might also explain why it's taking longer for that person to respond to your emailed resume.
5) Designate one week day for something you love. The "week" day part is important because we all know fun is much better when it's on an unexpected day and not a weekend. Personally I designated Friday to be "Creative Day." How do I justify this? Well, I have a BlackBerry that will *ding* and let me know if someone did email me back and if I've just spent a minimum 12 hours job hunting during the preceding days, it's probably safe to take a small breather.
That's my list. Five relatively small things to help keep you sane during your search.
Good Luck!
-Lisa
So for anyone who reads this and who is also on the hunt for a job, I thought I'd share a few things I've found helpful:
1) Make an actual planned out schedule just like you'd have if you were working. This is something I just started and I must say it makes a world of difference. For me it helped to actually lay out set times for job hunting, answering emails and looking at freelance stuff online.
2) Remember to hang out with your friends. You know how during a long day at work you begin to mentally plan an outing with your friends? Do that. Make sure you still see / hang out with your friends at different times throughout the week when you can. It'll lift your spirits.
3) Remember the small stuff can make you happy. Go for a hike or to the beach (if you're near one). Take time for a relaxing cup of coffee / tea or to read a good book or watching a movie are all fun, free (mostly) activities that can take you away from the stress of your search.
4) Consider that we're all in a tight spot right now & lots of people are applying for jobs. While that may sound more stressful, it might also explain why it's taking longer for that person to respond to your emailed resume.
5) Designate one week day for something you love. The "week" day part is important because we all know fun is much better when it's on an unexpected day and not a weekend. Personally I designated Friday to be "Creative Day." How do I justify this? Well, I have a BlackBerry that will *ding* and let me know if someone did email me back and if I've just spent a minimum 12 hours job hunting during the preceding days, it's probably safe to take a small breather.
That's my list. Five relatively small things to help keep you sane during your search.
Good Luck!
-Lisa
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