Monday Thoughts

I was sending a quick email to my bestie today, and I was struck by this quote I've had in my email forever, which is "We are shaped and fashioned by what we love."

I love that quote, and have for a very long time.  It's something I believe too.  For me, outside of my faith, the thing (note thing, not person) I love the most that has shaped me is theatre.  I fell head over heels for it when I was 5, and I've never looked back.  Even when I've (sort of) tried to run from it, I find myself pulled back in.  I'm very fortunate to be in the big middle of it on a daily basis.

However, that's not what struck me so much today as I looked at that quote before I hit send on my email.  Today, I was thinking about how we are also shaped by what we let in to our lives, into our souls, into our minds on a daily basis.  Whether or not you tend to "catch" moods (I can't ever decide if I do that or if it varies) from those around you or if you just find your perception of the world around you altered greatly by something someone says or does, most of us probably skip through several moods in a day - even if one is predominantly present.

One of the most difficult lessons my mother taught me is that no matter what's going on around you, your attitude and the way you choose to perceive the world is just that - a choice.  That doesn't mean I abide by the idea that it's a choice on a daily basis, but ultimately, I know she's right.  Generally speaking, on the brightest or the darkest days we can choose to focus on the little joys or the (occasionally) pervasive darkness.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Letting Go

Sometimes there's a moment in life where you have to give up hope.  Consciously.  I have always been incredibly practical about death.  About dying.  When I was a little girl, someone we knew passed away and my godmother, Mary, bought a book to help my mom explain death to a child in a way that wasn't scary at all.  It's called The Fall of Freddy The Leaf and even into my adult life, I've found great comfort in seeing death as something that is as natural as the changing of the seasons.  Something that visits every living thing on this earth from time to time.  It's far less scary to think of it like that and there's certainly less hurt or anger involved.

Even when my grandmother got sick and passed away, I quickly came to a place where I was ok with letting go of her presence on this earth because I loved her so much, I did not want her to hurt, and if you know anything about me, you know my grandmother is someone I loved with all of my heart.

So at this moment, it's almost ironic, that I am sitting here trying to process the fact that my godmother - the wonderful woman who helped me understand this process so long ago - is dying.  I have no idea how long she has left on this earth, but I know it is not long now.  And all I feel is angry.    And hurt. I know intellectually that this is not a healthy response and that I need to just breathe though this time because there's nothing I can do to stop it, but my heart is not listening.

I cannot explain why my heart is being so stubborn in this situation, but I had a moment as I drove home this evening where I actually said out loud "Jesus, I don't want her to suffer, but I'm so angry right now."  I don't even know who I'm angry at - or if it's really anger at all.  All I know is that late this afternoon I had to let go of any hope that my godmother will get better.  

Letting go of hope - in any situation - is undoubtedly one of the most difficult things the heart has to do.  But maybe, once that happens, healing starts?

Just a thought.

Thoughts on the Joy of a Simple Red Cup

I normally try to avoid weighing in on these topics in any sort of public forum, but the "controversy" over the newly designed red cups at Starbucks has pushed me over the edge.

I am a Christian and I am a Starbucks fanatic.  If you know me at all, you already know both of these things.  So imagine my utter disgust when I checked my Facebook feed over the weekend and saw the story about a guy (a pastor no less) who posted a video that has gone viral declaring war on my favorite coffee shop because they "hate" Jesus.

WHAT?

Admittedly, I did not watch the video.  I fully expected it to die out.  Yeah, I don't know why I expected that either.

So now that my fiery annoyance has waned a bit, I feel... Sad.  Yeah.  Sad.

Silly?

Here's what saddens me.  I love Christmas.  No, I LOVE Christmas.  Like I started listening to Christmas music about three days after Halloween and I am wondering how early I can put up my Christmas tree without being chastised by my loved ones.  I've always loved the feeling of the holiday season (spanning from Thanksgiving to New Years people - it encompasses three separate holidays - if you grump at me for using the word "holiday" we may not be able to recover).

I know it's horribly commercialized, but for most of my life I've honestly felt like the spirit of love for all mankind permeated this time of year and from the way I see my beliefs as a Christian, that's kind of the point.  Quite frankly in America, Christmas has become a holiday that's celebrated in a far more secular sense than what it's about from a Christian perspective and I understand some of the annoyance there in the sense that it doesn't need to be about what presents you get, but I don't think that has to be damaging.

And when I see people posting anti-Starbucks rants by misguided individuals who happen to share the same religion as me, it just makes me think "please, stop talking before the world thinks we're all like you."  I promise, we're not!

Actually because of my Christian beliefs, I believe that if we took the whole season and decided to treat everyone we encounter with love, compassion, understanding, respect and grace; then maybe, just maybe we would actually represent this Jesus that we know to the people around us.

So if you think Starbucks, or any other number of retailers who I'm sure will get blasted some time between now and December 25th, is persecuting you and your beliefs with their expression of celebration during this time, maybe the person declaring war on the real message of Christmas is you.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Provision

This is a blog I've been meaning to write for a long time, but I couldn't find the title until today.

Those who know me know that from Fall of 2013 to Fall of 2014 (almost a year to date) I was unemployed.  I was not surprised when the layoff came to me in 2013.  I'd known it was coming for some time.  What I didn't know then was what else was coming.

To make a long and somewhat depressing story short, the unemployment ran out and so did my savings.  I applied to countless jobs, went on a number of interviews including some that I thought went very well, but nothing turned up.  Temp agencies kept saying things to me like "Oh we can find you something, no problem."  Then there would be nothing.

I started to feel like a failure and I was so concerned about how to pay bills as I watched the numbers in my bank account dwindle.

My Mom, who is my biggest cheerleader, happened to be in a terrible financial situation at the same time and we struggled greatly during this time.

I'd been building my trust in God for a number of years.  Working on the kind of faith that was less about what specific church I went to and more about relying on Him, trusting Him.  Trust is a really hard thing.  Like crazy hard.  Especially if you're not all that good at it to begin with, but it's worth learning.

Anyway, as I spent more time in prayer, attempting to heed my Mom's advice to offer a sacrifice of praise throughout the situation I was in, even though I wasn't sure where the groceries were going to come from, something amazing started to happen.  Friends and family both at different times, and with no prompting, handed me money.  Some in the form of a gift and some in the form of a loan.  Gift cards for the grocery store or Target were such a welcome sight.

It was a hard situation to go through.  Some might call it a test.  All I know is that now I can look back on it and say that I learned something about faith and about trust during that time.  Trust doesn't mean you're happy all of the time or that you never lose you cool over a situation.  It means that in the midst of the tears, you can whisper "I trust you" and know in your heart that you actually mean it.

Just a thought.

Post-Show Musings

I should preface this blog post with a warning that I'm about to go full on theater geek on you lovely people.

A strange thing happened tonight when I was at The Pavilion seeing Idina Menzel in concert.  I was sitting there listening to this amazingly talented human sing her face off, and I realized something.

The last time I saw her was when I was still living in LA.  My grandmother had passed away about 5 months before and I was going through a rough time dealing with that and some other things in my life. On a whim (or a moment of complete insanity considering I was not gainfully employed at the time), I'd hopped online and purchased a single ticket to her concert because I just needed to go.  I don't know if you're a music person, or a theater person for that matter, but if you are, you understand what I mean by "I just needed to go."  There was a part of my soul I'd been neglecting for a long time by then and I didn't even realize how much.  After that show, I returned to my apartment realizing I'd forgotten how much I loved going to a theater and watching someone perform like that — there's just something different about theater people.  I can't explain how, but going to that concert filled up the same part of my soul that going to see musicals always had — a part of my soul that I'd let run completely dry years before.  I realized I could not let that happen again.

Tonight I realized that I actually reopened a door to possibility that night, one that I'd slammed shut years before and I can't help but wonder if I hadn't done that, if I hadn't gone to that show and had that experience, would I have ended up in the place I am now.  A place where I get to run around and (as my cousin puts it) go "YAY THEATER!" and call it "work"?

I know it sounds strange, and it probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone who's not me, but tonight felt a bit like coming full circle.

It's now been 5 years since my grandmother passed.  Life is much better in some very unexpected ways.  I'm not in LA anymore, which is not my favorite thing, but one must attempt to thrive where one is, yes?

And perhaps the best thing was I got to take one of my best friends to see tonight's show for her birthday (and she'd never seen Idina in concert before).  We had a blast singing along, geeking out over showtunes and feeling really, really old when Idina said it's been almost 20 years since Rent opened (my friend and I were adorable little high school drama geeks then and Rent was the coolest thing on the planet).

I cried when she sang Brave (it's from an album that I listened to repeatedly on my flight home when my grandmother was sick and I just needed to distract myself) and when she sang For Good.  I snuck a quick video of part of Let it Go for my niece.  I clapped and yelled/made-really-high-pitched-loud-noise far too much and my voice shows it now.  Mostly, I had an amazing night filled with some good old memories and making some beautiful new ones.

I am so thankful that I got to see her perform tonight & I already can't wait 'til the next time.

Had to share.

-Lisa

Late Night Thoughts

Spoiler alert: Not the typical thing I post on here. :o)

I was reminded of something tonight as I sat in a packed theater watching Newsies — for work no less — I know.  Feel free to be jealous.  ;o)

If you know me at all, you know theater is my first love.  I blame the free reign of PBS in my house when I was young.  No, no I kid...kind of...  I grew up in an environment that naturally fostered a deep love of the arts as a whole.  My mom always encouraged my curiosity about many kinds of music, books, a nightmarishly large collection of crayons, markers, pencils, paints and paper, and my bent toward wanting to take dance over participating in sports any time it was an option.  But theater... Theater was different.

In theater I found a world where all of the normal rules that parents impose by parents on the entertainment we consume didn't seem to apply.  Especially with musicals.  Many of my favorites from high school handle dark subject matter, contain colorful language and all manner of what my niece would call "inappropriate" behavior in live performances. And I loved it.

Actually, my love of theater began when I was four or five and we went to see my cousin in various plays at her high school.  We saw The Sound of Music there and I was so enthralled by the performance that my mom rented the film for me to see.  I was 5.  My world was flipped upside down.  I didn't understand what happened in my five year old brain, but I knew I wanted to grow up and do "that".  My mom had no idea that The Sound of Music would be my gateway drug into a lifelong adoration of musical theater.

As an adult (which doesn't sound like the right way to refer to myself) "that" has taken on quite a different form from what I expected, but for me theater stands above all other art forms.  Every time I see a show, I feel like hold my breath for two to three hours and just absorb everything that's happening in front of me.  It's not just something I think is fun to do on a Saturday night, but something that I'm fiercely protective of and I don't know, as silly as it may sound, to me it's more like a noble calling than a chosen profession.

Tonight, I was reminded of that and I was thinking about how glad I am that this very strange path I've been traveling for the past 12 years has led me here.  There are many things I don't understand about the way life works, but tonight I am feeling grateful and I just wanted to share.

-Lisa

One last thought:  If you find yourself in a place where Newsies is touring, go see it!  It's amazing.

Thoughts on a Dark and Cloudy Friday Morning

Hello and a blessed Good Friday to you.

I've been thinking about my Good Friday blog since last Friday.  I've had a series of conversations with a variety of people in my life that have had me thinking about love.  Specifically the love that God has for us.  And by us I mean all of humanity.

A couple months ago I had a conversation with an acquaintance about faith and religion.  While the conversation was more in depth than this, the point that came out of it was, regardless of what they were raised to believe, this person did not want to identify as a Christian because "they're so judgmental."

And I get it.  I even agreed that this is a huge problem.  It's a conversation I've had many, many times with various people over the course of my adult life and I do most certainly believe that it is something Christians as a general whole need to work on.  Majorly.

John 13:34-35 (NIV) says "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

If we look at the way the church (again, general whole encompassing all denominations of Christianity) argues with one another, not to mention how we treat those outside of our faith, it's clear we are not known by how we love.  Instead we are known by what we were specifically told not to do, which is by how we judge those around us.  And it makes me sad.  Especially today.

In my life I have a varied group of beautiful souls who I am blessed to call my friends.  We all have different backgrounds, different political beliefs, different religious beliefs and we've all made many different choices in how we live our lives.  Sometimes I scroll through my Facebook feed and chuckle because I think "my goodness if I ever had all of these people in the same room together, I'd have to get them to sign an agreement not to discuss religion, politics or the world at large.  Fluffy bunny topics only.  Otherwise we'd have a huge fight."

I have friends who are very conservative who think I've gone to the dark, liberal side thanks to my favorite state, and friends who are very liberal who think that's an absolutely hilarious thought because I'm more conservative than they are.

What is my point?

Look at the people in your life.  Do you agree on everything?  Have all of the exact same beliefs about everything?  If you're at all like me, probably not.  Yet, could you possibly love them any less?

Okay, so if your answer is no, of course not, these are people you hold dear to you; then how could you treat a stranger, someone you've never met and therefore who has not had the chance to personally offend you in anyway, with judgement instead of love or simply kindness.

Yet we are all guilty of judging others based on the color of their skin, how they look, who they're with, what they say and what they believe, but that's not our job.

We, as Christians, were given the simplest commandments by Jesus.  In Mark 12:28-31 (NIV) says "One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating.  Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"  "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this:  love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these."

Love.  Selfless and perfect love is what Christ showed us on the cross on Good Friday.  And if I am to call myself a Christian and to believe that I must accept Christ as my savior, otherwise completely imperfect little me could not possibly hope to see God in heaven, then how can I — knowing my own imperfections — treat anyone else as if I am superior to them.

I have a really difficult time with the idea of, not just hating, but even showing dislike or disdain for someone because they're different from me.  Probably because I was a weird kid.  I loved to play on the swings and sing show tunes at the top of my voice during recess and I loved and chattered about watching PBS - specifically Sesame Street - and I started to fall deeply in love with Shakespeare by age six and I was ridiculed for it.  For just being myself.  And I have some really clear memories of trying to figure out what on earth I'd done to make these people I'd just met dislike me so much.

I don't know any perfect people.  I am certainly not one.  So, I really believe with all my heart that we have to stop casting shame and hate and judgment down on other people who are also not perfect, just like us.  It does no good.  And I do not believe you could act less like Christ.  I worry sometimes that we have become more like the crowd calling for Jesus to be crucified and less like His disciples, and it breaks my heart.

I know I will continue to be guilty of not treating those around me with love.  And it makes my heart sad.  But I pray daily for God's help in loving everyone I meet the way He loves me.

That's just what's on my mind this Good Friday morning, and I thought I'd share.

-Lisa

Following the Path

How strange the packaging answers sometimes come in...

I read a blog this morning that was truly, exactly what I needed to hear (so to speak) today. While I am on a completely different path from this person, I too find myself saying "God, I don't understand. This is not where I wanted to be," a lot in recent days.

Fortunately, like the author of this blog, I know the path I am on is intended for my good and that continuing forward will only help me grow and learn and trust Him more, which is what truly makes a difference.

So, I wanted to share this with all of you today in case maybe you need to hear it too.

Check out Mayim Bialik's latest post on Kveller.com.  It is truly inspiring.

-Lisa

Trouble

     "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!  I have overcome the world." John 16:33

     I have been thinking about this verse a lot lately.  In this world you will have trouble.  I think most of my life when I've read this verse, I always thought of really big challenges in life.  Illness, maybe something tragic happening, big stuff...  Lately however, I've started thinking what if it's not just that at all?  What if trouble is also all the little things that drive us up the walls daily?  

     Have you ever found yourself trying to find a job or a soul mate or just trying to figure out what to do with your life and wondering why (at least some days) everything seems to be so difficult?  Like why can't you have a day, a week, a month or a year that just runs smoothly?  Or maybe you have had periods of time where it just felt like all the stars aligned and you're just trying to figure out how to get that back; and for the life of you, you can't figure out what you were doing differently at that time.    You only know you can't seem to duplicate it now.  

     But what if it's all these little things - repeatedly dealing with rejection in one form or another, struggling financially, always feeling like you're trying to get ahead - that are the "trouble" Jesus was speaking about in that verse?  That means all those irritants are always going to be around.  You may be thinking "Well that just sucks.  Where's the upside in that?"  And you'd be right it does suck.  But what He says next it what gives me hope - But take heart!  I have overcome the world.

     If you believe what The Old Testament says, then you believe mankind blew their chance at Heaven on earth when Adam and Eve were in the Garden.  If you look at it from that angle, we had a world without trouble and we gave it up.  So yes, trouble is an inevitable part of daily life.  But what Christ overcoming the world means is that our troubled state of living will not last forever - it is only temporary.  

     The way I am trying to look at that these days is all the stuff that drives me nuts (see the aforementioned attempts to get a career off the ground and find a soul mate) are always going to drive me a little nuts in one form or another.  All of the things I place so much importance on - particularly job stuff - aren't really going to matter in the long run.  The relationships we form with people, the way we treat each other, how we help one another, how we love each other the was Jesus loved us...those are the things that will echo through eternity.  So maybe that's where I should strive to shift my focus more instead of zeroing in on all the little things that make me feel like I'm losing it.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

New Day

October has long been my second favorite month (after April), but this one is off to a bit of a different start as I find myself in a time of transition.

I was laid off from my job last month and thus far, while I've had some strong leads, I haven't discovered that next step in my career.  However, I have been surprised by the level of ... relief I have experienced in the past few weeks.  Every human fiber of my being has known this is a very odd reaction to losing my main source of income, but my spirit, for the most part, has remained still.

This morning I opened my devotional and found the message to the left.  I strive to have the kind of response to obstacles that the message describes, frequently falling short, but I think maybe, just maybe this could explain the stillness in my spirit.  It's having that sense of peace that defies all logic so that you know it has to come from God.

Let me tell you what that peace does not look like.  It does not look like someone who never feels overwhelmed, who is always smiling and happy or someone who never cries.  There may be people who are able to pull that off, but I am not one of them.  I believe God created us to feel and while we must take responsibility for our emotions and for the reactions we allow to stem from those, I cannot imagine He ever intended us to bottle them up and pretend to be happy.

I don't know about you, but I tend to be somewhat suspicious of people who are always smiley and happy.  Maybe that's the cynicism of my generation talking, but rarely have I encountered someone who is that way and simply seems at peace (and there's a big difference in someone who has joy and peace and someone who is wearing a happy mask).

At least in my life, peace that passes all understanding, frequently looks more like calm, still waters.  It's almost more of a vibe you can feel coming off of someone than a certain way they present themselves.  Also, it looks like optimism.  For me, choosing to see this closed door as an opportunity rather than an obstacle reaffirms that sense of peace.

Peace that comes from God does not void out all of the problems in your life.  Instead it alters the way you react to them.  While I believe that human reaction to panic or be upset is still there, I also believe those moments shortened the more we pause, take a deep breath and whisper "I trust you Jesus".  Eventually, "I trust you" will replace that knee-jerk reaction of panic in our minds.  And with that comes peace.

So, where does the road ahead lead?  I have no idea.  But I'm kind of excited to see what the coming days bring.  I would have never imagined myself in the place I've been the past two years, but it's been a major learning experience and that is never a bad thing.

Just a thought...

-Lisa

Confirmation

When we're seeking God's guidance, sometimes we ask for confirmations.  Well, at least I know I do.  It's one of those things I think, as a human, that when you're inching toward a limb, you want to know that you should walk out onto it before you actually do.

However, sometimes confirmation comes in the form of an ouch.  Especially if you've ignored a previous urging that was placed in your spirit.  Then not only can confirmations be uncomfortable, so can the promptings to move forward.

I know I have been known to get comfortable in a situation that I knew was only supposed to be temporary.  And when that happens it takes a certain level of discomfort to propel me forward.  And I do believe that we have seasons in our lives and that things happen the way they do for a reason.  But change is part of growth and really just part of life.  Change is good.  Resisting change and clinging to what we've become familiar with can be detrimental.

But back to confirmation...

Sometimes we ask for confirmation and in our minds what we mean is we want like some awesome thing to happen and that can be our confirmation.  Confirmations don't always appear like that - sometimes they hurt.  Maybe because it's unexpected?  I'm not sure.

Slightly painful or not, I think it is important (once your emotions die down - and make no mistake, that can take some time) to take a deep breath and just say "Okay God.  I knew this is what you were telling me and you have confirmed it for me.  Thank you."

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Let it Go

There are some days when you get up and in the deepest part of your being you know it's going to be a rough one.  You have no idea what lies ahead of you, but something in your spirit is telling you to pause and consider calling in.  Every time I ignore that tug, I regret it.  So you would think by now I would have learned not to ignore it.

But sometimes the real challenge in that moment (I believe) is to acknowledge that urging and to step forward into your day anyway.

Now because of my personal beliefs, I feel it is in the midst of that uneasy feeling that God is whispering "Trust me.  I will not let you go."

As human beings it can be really easy in those moments when everything starts to go down hill at top speed, to beat ourselves up.

"Why didn't I stay home?"  "How could I have made such a stupid mistake?" "Why can't I seem to get it together?"  "What did I ever do to land myself here?"  Because nothing is going "the way that it's supposed to."

But we live in a broken world.  One that will never be perfect, no matter how hard we push for what's "supposed" to be.  That ended with Adam & Eve in the Garden and until the end of time as we know it, this is the struggle we will face.

I think about it a lot actually.  How we so easily get caught up in the way we know things should be.  And I believe there's a very good reason for that.  I think the way it was "supposed to be" is encoded in our DNA and if it wasn't, we might not understand the truth of our imperfection.  For we are imperfect creatures.

But we are also beautiful to God - even with our imperfections - so much so that He gave us Jesus.  The ultimate example of grace (getting what we do not deserve) and mercy (not getting what we do deserve).  And we are supposed to strive to be like Him.  To love like Him.

Which is of course impossible for us to ever reach that while we are in this flesh.  But it does not mean we don't try.  Because we should try to love like Him.

But back to "supposed to"...

In my own life I am at least three different kinds of NOT where I am "supposed to be".  And it drives me crazy.  I hate it.  In part because I spend a lot of time and energy futilely trying to fix it quickly.  But I am learning...

In the last three months I have begun to slow down.  To breathe in the space I am in.  And to attempt to move at a reasonable pace to where I would like to be.  Sometimes the only road ahead takes us back to a place where we don't want to be.  A place that feels like a step backwards.  But (at least in my case) once I stopped for a minute and considered that it's not a step backwards because it's not exactly the same.  I am not the same.

And that is important because it is a step toward understanding how to let go of "supposed to" and to move on to what "is".  Which lends value to the world around us; helps us appreciate the blessings in our lives today.  And that is a very good thing.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Time for Some Action

I've been thinking a lot about the future and the past lately.  The pastor at the church I attend did a sermon last week talking about second chances, but in the bigger scheme of life.  He also talked a lot about taking action instead of only praying about things and waiting for a tangible, obvious answer.

It is most definitely good to pray over something and to take time to think things through, but it is also important to take actions.  And to take risks.

In my own life, I am realizing that sometimes in order to just cope with the current reality, I find myself putting a band-aid (if you will) on a problem that essentially needs a more drastic course of action.  I also know I'm  not alone in this predicament.

Today I was talking with a friend about how sometimes you have to just do something entirely different than whatever it is you've been trying.  And while I have many moments where I wish I could pull up Google and ask it what to do next, I realize that I can't no matter how much I'd like to - I simply need to try something different.

Sometimes I think God leads us down a very non-traditional path to where we are heading so that we not only learn to trust, but so that we can actually see that all of our self-doubt has no foundation whatsoever.  That we really can be or do so much more than we could ever dream or imagine.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Message Received

I visited church with a friend this morning and heard something I so needed to hear, but didn't realize it.  The sermon was on the story of Peter stepping out of the boat and walking on the water with Jesus (that's an enormous paraphrase by the way - see Matt. Ch. 15 vs 22-33).

Anyway...the pastor was talking about how in life so many times people stay in the boat so to speak, but how some people actually take a chance and step out on faith and get out of the boat - no matter what the result may be.  Then he said that just by stepping out of the boat to begin with, we alter our future.

That caught my attention.  I love the story about Peter walking on the water to Jesus and it came to mean more to me when I first moved out to Los Angeles.  But after moving back to Texas...to make a long story short, I've struggled a lot with feeling like I took a leap of faith only to end up right back where I was to begin with, which is a place I couldn't stand to begin with (to be frank - and why mince words at this point?).

I never stopped to consider that, even if I can't see it right now, my future is not what it would have been had I not gone to California.  I knew I was different, that I'd come into my own if nothing else, but I don't think I'd considered that the future I would like to see is still possible.  And how I needed so much to hear that all was not lost.

It's interesting the way that God can prompt us to go somewhere, visit someone, or even check out a church at the exact moment when we're going to hear the sort of reassurance our soul is longing for the most.

The other thing this morning got me to thinking about is taking risks...

Sometimes we are called upon to look at our life - maybe a specific situation or just in general - and assess what (& occasionally who) we have in our life and if the "what" or "who" fits with who we want to be - or maybe more specifically who you know deep in your soul that you are despite your current situation.

Perhaps sometimes we are not simply called to step out of the boat.  Perhaps we are called to jump ship when it's really a choice of thriving or drowning.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Something Beautiful

I've experienced a kind of re-birth of hope lately.  And one that I have to believe has come from God because all of the outside signs point to the exact opposite.

My favorite verse is one that I've leaned on a lot over the past couple of years especially - Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."  Perhaps it's learning to lean on that trust that actually has helped with the peace I have.

But there's another verse I love - Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..." and this verse has simultaneously given me peace and made me furrow my brow more than once.

The first time I heard this verse, or rather the first time it registered with me what it really said all I could think was really God? cause I can imagine an awful lot.  And I have admittedly had moments particularly over the last couple of years where that question changed to are you really sure? cause I'm not sure what to imagine anymore.

But lately, somehow, things have shifted and I have what I can only describe as a sense of possibility again. And that is beautiful.

Perhaps God brings us down rocky paths knowing we're going to ask those questions and knowing also that if we hang onto Him, we'll arrive at a place where peace comes from the one thing we need most at that time.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

What's It Worth?

I've been thinking a lot recently about the price of happiness - and if it's one of those things where the price is different for everyone.

I was raised to believe that happy is a choice. One might infer from that statement that being happy - no matter what your circumstances may be - is a choice. Or that it's simply a matter of choosing to have a positive attitude and to be thankful for what you have. To be sure, I believe it is all of those things too. But there's something more...

For reasons too numerous to go into in this post, I've been thinking about how happiness being a choice might be more closely tied to other choices in our lives. Big ones.

Almost everyone I know believes they would be happy if they had more money and found "the right" person and I tend to feel that way too. But I'm beginning to wonder if we as humans have a tendency to stay stuck in one place (location, job, relationship, church, school, etc.) because when we made the choice to go into said space it was the best decision we could make at the time with the information we had. Then one day you wake up (literally and figuratively) and hindsight hits you like a ton of bricks.

Suddenly how your choices "should have gone" is so clear to you. You think "oh I should have..." fill in the blank. Gone to this other school. Majored in that other subject. Taken this other job. Kept dating instead of settling down. Changed churches the first time I felt this feeling. Saved more money instead of buying this or that. Left the first time he / she broke my heart. Run like hell in the opposite direction of where I am now.

I think the choice of happiness comes with what you do after your "wake up" moment. Do you take this new found clarity and stuff it into the back of your mind and let it morph from "aha" to a state of pain and misery.

Or do you take a risk? Do you start to ever so carefully consider "what if I did something different now?"

You might feel it's too risky - that you've invested too much time and energy into where you are now. Certainly, sticking some things out and changing your attitude can be helpful. And I'm not talking about the times when you just have a bad day, but something that consistently pokes at you and needles you whether you're focused on it consciously or not.

Sometimes just changing your perspective is enough. Other times you're challenged to step out on faith and tackle the thing that both scares and bothers you the most. It's that moment when you know that while the unknown may scare you, staying where you are is going to do so much worse. So taking the risk might be your shot at choosing to be happy.

If you're truly unhappy in your life, what price would you pay to change it?

Just a thought.
-Lisa

Wide Awake

I recently went on a mini vacation with some friends and have found myself analyzing the effects of said trip since then.

Ever suddenly feel like you've been awakened from a dream?

When I left California I was numb. I had to be. There'd simply been too much crap over the previous year and all I could do was shut off some part of my brain and just put one foot in front of the other. I packed my apartment that way, came back to Texas that way, accepted a job that way and have worked & functioned that way ever since.

You can only stay numb or shut off for so long. Then you begin to wake up. Waking up for me has felt frequently like a panic attack. Leading me toward the conclusion that I needed a break.

Perhaps some I've actually been moving toward this place for a month or so now, but vacation seemed to cement it.

I spent my vacation largely surrounded by creative people, frequently discussing movies, tv, art, music, etc. I also spent time with my cousin who is an artist and anytime we are together we seem to go on what might be described as creative binges.

It was as though a part of me went "oh yeah. I remember who I am. I was made for this."

Sometimes, when we've been hurt or when we are tired or when we've simply thrown our hands up and said "God I just don't know how to keep going forward," that's when God uses something we'd never expect to remind us who He made us to be. And to encourage us to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Only wide awake this time.

Just a thought.

-Lisa

What's Next?

What's on the other side of disillusionment?

I believe I'm finding myself in whatever that may be and discovering a strange mix of inspiration, freedom and frustration. It's an interesting place to be and while I believe some of the frustration is solvable - while hanging on to the inspiration and freedom, there is no quick fix (maybe that's true of everything in life) and sometimes that can be very trying.

Things that make you think about integrity; what's right and wrong in a very black & white manner; and making the right decisions so that you can live with yourself.

Balancing what's in your head with what's in your heart is often tricky. Trying to figure out how to navigate the path you're on and where it's taking you (patiently!) is about five steps beyond tricky.

For me, my faith plays a huge role in dealing with all of these issues. I believe God has a plan and that as we make our own decisions and navigate the road we're on, He's always got something for us to learn. Some lessons are repeated. A lot. But once you get it, you go forward. Perhaps that's why you can spot patterns in your life and behavior. As my Mom says, if you're not changing, you're not growing. So here are my questions of the moment:

How do you figure out where you're going when you've become certain that you're in a place of transition? And what steps do you take to keep yourself focused on the future while living in the present - even if you know the present is only temporary? How do you gain the most out of each leg of the journey called life?

Just a thought.

-Lisa

Just a Feeling

I was driving home tonight switching between the iPod and the radio and I heard this song...

I've heard it a couple of times and it always gets me - to the extent that I frequently switch the station when it's on, but I like the song...

Over the past few years, off and on, I've had this feeling that was hard to define and incredibly hard to shake at the same time. As a Christian I felt confused by it because if I was truly a believer, could I be feeling like this? So to have had the radio on a Christian station and run across this song - for me anyway - answered that yes, absolutely you can feel like this. Everyone feels like this sometimes.

Whether it's just life, a specific set of circumstances, or a series of events that all came too quickly together I'm fairly certain we've all felt this way. Tired. Invisible. Lost. Alone.

I can say with almost absolute certainty that most of the people I know - regardless of what they think or believe - have felt this way. And knowing that it's okay (even as a Christian in my case) to admit that I've felt like this somehow provides a release. It's like being heard.

If you're feeling this way now. Or if you've felt this way before. I hope these words bless your life exactly where you are.

The song is "Someone Worth Dying For" by MIKESCHAIR.

-Lisa

SOMEONE WORTH DYING FOR
Artist: MIKESCHAIR.
Album: A Beautiful Life

You might be the wife waiting up at night
You might be the man struggling to provide
Feeling like it’s hopeless

Maybe you’re the son who chose a broken road
Maybe you’re the girl thinking you’ll end up alone
Praying “God, can you hear me?
Oh God, are you listening?”

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I’m not just some wandering soul
That you don’t see and you don’t know
Yeah, I wanna believe,
Jesus, help me believe that
I am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you’re the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep askin’, oh, what everybody’s askin’

Chorus

You’re worth it, you can’t earn it
Yeah, the cross has proven
That you’re sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can’t you see you’re something beautiful
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see that
You’re not just some wandering soul
That can’t be seen and can’t be known
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that
You are someone worth dying for
You’re someone worth dying for
You’re someone worth dying for

The Waiting Place

Ever find yourself at a complete loss for how to handle a situation? Or maybe have a period of time in your life where - while you may believe there's a purpose or a reason for all things - you simply can't figure out what that might be?

Personally I'm experiencing a time where I'm in what I'd describe as a "waiting place." If you've ever read Dr. Seuss's "Oh The Places You'll Go" you know exactly what I mean.

Without going into detail I've recently hit a place where I feel like I take a step forward and get shoved back almost immediately. So I find myself scratching my head, looking around and wondering what on earth the right next step might be. Or am I just supposed to wait here? And trust?

I do not particularly excel at either trusting or waiting, so I suspect that may be why I find myself in this situation. But then I also wonder how much is just life and how much is more? And what happens when you choose to view the world from the perspective of purpose? Of learning or having lessons in each situation?

Lately I find myself putting many of the more intangible things I've learned up to this point into practice. You really do tell people how they can treat you with what you allow (this is not a new lesson - just one I've finally learned to actively practice). No matter how much you might hope for peaceful, still waters they are few and far between in this life and how you handle that defines many things about you (like your health, your relationships, etc). And my fave Oprah lesson - "when you know better, you do better."

That last one has actually changed the way I approach the first two. It means I have to be willing to stand up for myself and to know how to do that in a respectful way and in a variety of situations. Even when those situations are about as comfortable as a root canal. (Actually I happen to have a great dentist, so I've definitely had dental work that was more pleasant than this place).

Simply learning lessons in life is not enough. You have to put them into practice. So it's not enough for me to say I trust God and I'm happy to follow His leading. I have to actually practice trusting Him and following Him. Even if He's saying "wait."

Just a thought.

-Lisa